Al Laddin Sayne

The More THings Change...

2011-08-15T21:27:00.000-07:00

...et-cetera.

I can't say I'll be regular...but I'm here now.

Lot's more adventures!

Wheeeeee!!!

I'm Through...

2009-05-04T15:40:00.000-07:00

...with women...

...sigh.

Probably not...but god-damn...getting dumped just fucking hurts.

Fuck!

The Five Stages...

2008-02-11T08:47:00.000-08:00

...starts with getting "cold cocked" and ends with getting even.

Let's see if I remember correctly...I think it goes like this:

1) Cold Cocked-

Finding out...usually out of left field...that you've been terminated, replaced, let go...latered. The key characteristic of this step must be that in no way do you see it coming.

2) Discovery-

THIS is where you find out what perfidy is involved...how stupid you were to not see signs, if there were any...what "great" and/or "dear" friend of yours threw you under the bus to save their own fucking sorry ass...what people who you thought "liked" you somewhat were willing to see you treated like a neighborhood sex-offender or something...WHAT-everrrrrr. N.B.-If you know that somewhere, somehow you screwed up and the "head-lopping" was in any way, by any stretch justifiable...you're on a different program.

3) Disbelief-

That this could happen to a person like YOU! One who was devoted to the project, worked hard at it, promoted it, improved it, etc. This stage is also called DELUSION.

4) Rage-

Really banal...this one is. Anger, grief, denial are all contained here...bargaining too. All that crap that is completely useless and humiliating.

5) Revenge-

NOW we're getting somewhere. FUCK Karma, btw...if the injury was great enough, only revenge will make it better. Somehow, someway they need to feel as fucked over as you do.

What enrages and disappoints and hurts me the most about this deal is that a member...the one who delivered the "news"...is supposedly a great friend of mine. The headsman and my "friend" work together (similar positions at the same company) and talk all the time. He KNEW... Think maybe I could have gotten a "heads-up" at some point? Some kind of warning? From SOME-body? Of course not (See Stages #1 and 2). The other guy was too much of a chickenshit to tell me that there were things I was doing that he didn't like (Stage #2). What crap. At the worst (for me), I would have stepped aside. I know these things work and that Mr. Chickenshit was the "Grand Poo-Bah". I just would have appreciated the opportunity to change or decide to leave, is all. Maybe even a sit-down and here's why you're no longer needed kind of thing. Instead...I got treated like the asshole you can't wait to get rid of (see Stages #3 and 4...humiliating yourself). THAT hurts.

So the "Judas" was over to do some artistic workout last night. He actually had the nerve to say that he hoped this would not effect our friendship the night he delivered the coup de gras. I had called him that night to say that I hoped he wasn't made too uncomfortable about the situation. That's what kind of sap I can be. I'm learning.

Anyway, the atmosphere was sort of uncomfortable. Strained. Nothing was said about the weeks' happenings. He is just a clueless dumb fuck if he thought I wasn't seething all the time he was there. In my home. He's lucky I didn't kick his teeth in.

Stage #5...Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

I'm Pissed...

2008-02-08T01:04:00.000-08:00

...I got canned off a project I liked and thought I was contributing to.

The "lesson" I'm taking away is "You suck."

Maybe this'll help:

Your Single Card Reading

Two of Swords

Briefly: There are decisions to be made.

Full Reading: To draw this card shows that there are decisions to be made. However all the facts may not be in at this point in time. There could be something about to crop up that you are not aware of and it may come to light later. Often something is not seen in the clear light of day or there is an unknown factor involved. Time is often of the essence and it is usually worth waiting it out for awhile to see what may arise to clarify the issue. Making a decision with all the facts is much easier than with only half the information. Sometimes this card can indicate a problem with the eyes. Maybe an operation will be required, an injury may occur, or glasses need to be prescribed, or new glasses or some other matter involving the eyesight. If this card is not you, or is unlikely to represent any situation directly involving you, then it is possible that it may relate to someone close to you. They may need your insight, or wisdom to help them sort out a dilemma they are in. There may be a situation where someone has to choose between two differing options and is not sure which is the most appropriate one to select.

Focus, Al...Focus...

2008-02-06T12:05:00.000-08:00

...something I am notoriously bad at. Fucking 57 years old and I continue to behave like I did when I was 19...or 15. What the bloody hell.

So this year, the arbitrary unit of measure for things done and not done, the word is focus. Focus on the big three...Art, Work, Sex. The order is subject to change, but that's the agenda. Simple straight forward goal or objective oriented action in each category.

Part of the reason I was down so much at the beginning of the year. I had some very unpleasant realizations about my direction and/or lack thereof and the consequences. There are challenges galore before me. And though my stated vision seems narrow...anyone who reads between the lines knows that there is a whole bunch of changin' and growin' and alignin' and manifestin' to be done. Can the adventure be undertaken with joyful energy...wonder at the unfolding of each day and it's opportunities? Hmmmmmm....

Tell you what dear readers...I wish for you the best and most positive outcome for your endeavors. A light heart and an unflagging Spirit. May our Higher Power bless us all.

The $250 Haircut...More If You Include The Wine.

2008-02-05T22:52:00.000-08:00

So now I have something in common with a certain former Presidential Candidate (actually this reference is to a mean spirited canard the man was subjected to), and as always...something in common with a certain past President. I'll explain...

I had $$$'s burning a hole in my pocket and my perv light was glowing hot and red. Why I didn't just hook up with my ATF "Jaymee" or even "Jenny" I don't know. Well actually I do. One of the benefits to me of the "hobby" (a euphemism for consorting with hookers as a well...hobby) is that there are so many items on the "menu". Beautiful women I see at the Meet and Greets, gals that advertise on the Escort review boards in my town...even on the ever-dangerous and notorious Craigslist "Erotic Services" (Hey...I got this nifty utility for Firefox that will automatically open Craigslist pictures...handy!).

Not that I'm NOT getting laid. My FWB is most generous and enthusiastic. I wish I were "into" her more. I'm sorry I'm not, and I'm not leading her on or anything (yeah right). Yes, there are times of discomfort for both of us...but the sex is pretty darn good. I do feel that I may be exhibiting some signs of the sex addiction.

Off Topic Joke:
Heard about the 12 Step Program for folks addicted to 12 Step Programs?
It's called On-an-On. (Yuk, Yuk)

Yeah...like THAT would be something new for me. You NAME the obsessive compulsive behavior (as long as it's time-wasting to self-destructive, natch...) and I've done it or am prone to it.

So FWB went back to her town and I had an itch for a Craigslist gal. Now I am a PICKY (you're rolling your eyes...STOP that!) Pooner. Not just ANY ol' Craigslist gal is good enough for your connoisseur correspondent...oh no. It had to be THAT girl that was REALLY hard to reach (maybe she was LE and busy booking her latest captures...who knows). So not getting what I really (thought I) wanted, I further succumbed to the urge and went on a board and after a few tries hooked up with a well reviewed young lady and got out to the incall.

She also cuts hair and I needed a trim. Starting to see how this feeble mind works? Gads.

I have had two not so great experiences out of the half-dozen or so different women I've seen. The first was mostly a hygeine problem with a little bit of lack-of-chemistry thrown in. Frankly...she needed to have taken a shower before hosting. No delicate way to say it...smelled like ass. Major turn off for providers I'm told, and a major turn-off to this client.

This young (mid/late twenty's) person was clean, a little hyper, a decent barber (I'm bald so I'm easy), enhanced (with a nipple piercing, nice!) and eager...but I could feel no wave to catch. Even with my "Vitamin C". I've had my challenges in that department before and my Uncles Pfizer and Lilly have pretty much solved that problem for me. Better living through chemistry, eh? Oh, but CHEMISTRY...like the boy/girl kind...has still got to be there...at least for me. Or at least the illusion. And "Toni" was no illusionist. She had been a hard-core party girl a few years earlier...I saw pictures and heard stories and would be a blast for the free-fucking cocksman I always envied...like I can be, sort of, now...but not that night with that girl that time. So I re-robed and left.

Thus...the $250.00 haircut...with a side of rue. Oh...and the Past President? I can't stop when my cock starts talking to me either.

Wow...I was really...

2008-01-29T14:45:00.000-08:00

...down the last couple days. If I keep at this I'll prolly spill the beans more...but I read the BJ and TruSelf chronicles and all my "pals" that are going through their own trials and travails:

Mandy-I have SUCH a crush on her. (Just like in High School...do guys like me EVER learn...sheesh)

Nightside Jonny-I love Jonny...I relate so much to what he's going through...before and AFTER the current situation with Ms. Jonny. Besides...he wrahtes reel goooood.

Joe Flirt-There is probably only one other guy that's as sharp or sharper than Joe. Damn. SWMNBN REALLY picked the wrong guy to fuck with (P.S. I've got a GREAT Sinatra song to lay on you, man! I'll put it in a new post).

Oblivion-What can I say about the sweetest person in the blogosphere. She'll swear up and down she's not...but we all know that NONE of us will ever...EVER...be as downright nice and sweet as she is and besides she's a stone fox!

Ever wondered about this word:

protean

Main Entry:
pro·te·an Listen to the pronunciation of protean
Pronunciation:
\ˈprō-tē-ən, prō-ˈtē-\
Function:
adjective
Date:
1598

1 : of or resembling Proteus in having a varied nature or ability to assume different forms
2 : displaying great diversity or variety : versatile

Or THIS one:

prolific

Main Entry:
pro·lif·ic Listen to the pronunciation of prolific
Pronunciation:
\prə-ˈli-fik\
Function:
adjective
Etymology:
French prolifique, from Middle French, from Latin proles + Middle French -figue -fic
Date:
1650

1: producing young or fruit especially freely : fruitful
2: archaic : causing abundant growth, generation, or reproduction
3: marked by abundant inventiveness or productivity a prolific composer

Let's Compare and or Contrast how these terms pertain to THIS GUY, shall we?

Tom Paine

My favorite Renaissance Man. What a time Tom and His (truly) beloved "C" must have. Read them at Polyamorously Perverse.

THERE. I feel better.

And YOU guys...you are the ones that touch me and inspire me. Thanks to you and all the others I read!

My FWB is coming so we can fuck...and fuck and fuck and fuck.

She wants to get kinkier than spanks on ass and pussy and tits. That WILL be arranged. (And yes, Dear Hazel...the old Perv is still pervin'! LOL).

Hey!!! Good to be back. This is a roots-core activity for me...more like this this year.

Then...I Found THIS!

2008-01-29T14:39:00.000-08:00

What would I do without TruSelf (for the Name Thing)and BJ (for This)...

You are The Sun

Happiness, Content, Joy.

The meanings for the Sun are fairly simple and consistent.

Young, healthy, new, fresh. The brain is working, things that were muddled come clear, everything falls into place, and everything seems to go your way.

The Sun is ruled by the Sun, of course. This is the light that comes after the long dark night, Apollo to the Moon's Diana. A positive card, it promises you your day in the sun. Glory, gain, triumph, pleasure, truth, success. As the moon symbolized inspiration from the unconscious, from dreams, this card symbolizes discoveries made fully consciousness and wide awake. You have an understanding and enjoyment of science and math, beautifully constructed music, carefully reasoned philosophy. It is a card of intellect, clarity of mind, and feelings of youthful energy.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Now I'm really messed up! "As If-f-f-f-f..."

Wish I Felt Like This Today...

2008-01-29T13:58:00.000-08:00

What (My RL Name) Means

You are fair, honest, and logical. You are a natural leader, and people respect you.

You never give up, and you will succeed... even if it takes you a hundred tries.

You are rational enough to see every part of a problem. You are great at giving other people advice.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.

You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.

At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are loving, compassionate, and ruled by your feelings.

You are able to be a foundation for other people... but you still know how to have fun.

Sometimes your emotions weigh you down, but you generally feel free from them.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

Emotions are weighing me down some...

I Wrote Somebody About...

2007-11-05T23:59:00.000-08:00

...what I did on Halloween. I didn't tell them that while I was watching the "show" I was on a couch in front of the "demonstration" fingering the sweet pussy of my "date". I would give her sensitive bits a little "tap" now and then...and grab her hair and press my mouth on hers...then take her in my arms and tenderly brush her lips with my fingers, BOTH sets. She had a lovely little naughty nurses' outfit. With her being open and viewable and definitely getting excited we were probably a pretty good complement to the main event, which I tried to describe:

So “fire play”...I had heard of it but I sure hadn’t SEEN anything like it. I probably ought to back track a little here…
I have always...really as long as I can remember…had yearnings and longings that were different. Not “gay” or even “bi” (though I can say I’m kinda curious now) but different little things would excite me and when I found out about “self restraint” I tried it…not the kind I NEEDED…the kind I did to myself. Anyway…I ended up in a D/s situation a couple times....not full on but we’d play...a lot. I joined the “Sex Positive Social Club” as soon as I found out about it…that was 6-7 years ago. It’s taken me that long to kind of “grow into” what and who I am and what I am comfortable with. There’s lots of stuff I’d like to try, and things that I’m not interested in…maybe just not now(!?).
Aaaaanyway…this guy I had seen before drags a big table out into the “play” area. There is sort of a perimeter of “social” areas with the public “play” area in the middle. At least that’s how it was configured that night. The room can be set up many different ways. So the big table. Big enough for a person, and sure enough…a gal sat down on the table, removed her “wrap” and laid face down. After some prep the guy lit these things that looked a lot like vibraphone mallets…sticks with cloth or some kind of fibre ends. Now I’m guessing he was using alcohol of some kind and he was sort of “skipping” these burning mallet things on the gals skin. Playing lightly then working into more intensity staying long enough in one spot to create a sensation but not so long as to cause a burn. It LOOKED a lot like someone playing vibes. Certainly a spectacle.
I have seen lots of different things there and I’ve participated just a little. Thought about the men only night...hmmmm...what does a cock taste like?????...but so far I only play with girls. I just get lost in the experience. The “Secret Garden”...LOL...

Have Love? Will...

2007-09-05T23:53:00.000-07:00

...travel.

I commented over at Joe Flirt's place about paying a "pro" for sex. There are "Escort Blogs" and "John Blogs" and some of the folks in my blog roll are escorts and johns or sex workers of some type. The comments in Joe's post though, were from folks who didn't have any kind of experience on either end. I may get flamed for my comment on Joe's blog and the preceding remark, but let's go ahead and talk about it for a minute, and have at me if you want.

I have a number of reasons why I want to see a paid sex worker:

1) Variety. I can see a lot of different women. Folks would not really believe the disparity of looks and body types and personalities. The women rarely look like Julia Roberts or Audrey Hepburn. They're more likely to look like your neighbor Susan...who wants to lose 20lbs., or your Aunt Helen who looks like, well...an aunt helen. Sure there are 20-something hardbody's as well. Like I said, diverse.

2) I can have sex when I want/need to have it. I stated that I am coming off a broken marriage. I have never been a great "womanizer", and I won't lie to someone to get them in bed and "break up" with them a week later...or just not call...or any of the "fifty" other ways we leave our lovers. Besides most "sane" women won't go near a recently split-up guy for at least a year. Can't say I blame 'em.

3) Improbable sexual experiences. Example: I had a three-some. THAT would probably never happen. One woman was a for real porn star. THAT would definitely never happen. Both were drop-dead gorgeous. Again...under normal circumstances...snow-ball's chance in hell. OK...indulgent and decadent to an extreme, and kinda expensive...and unbelievably fun. It blew me away!!! So sue me.

There's more that I want to blog about on the subject, and I will, but I have met and had experiences with some really interesting people. Most of the women, and especially the ones I am drawn to are really, really bright, some are very accomplished, many are working professionals whose or un or under-employment led them to this occupation and almost every one I've seen cares and enjoys what they do. I think I can tell THAT...(the faking thing, maybe not so much).

Having said all that...OK, OK...there IS a real layer of artificiality as well. I am NOT going to find a girlfriend...it's not an audition. Rarely does a gal find a guyfriend from her client list. It does happen with famously mixed results, mostly bad. But no matter what happens, how good the time is, how good the sex is, how well "connected" we get...I go home alone. No wondering whether I should call the next day...no sweet churning in the gut when I'm looking at the phone.

It's just sex. For hire.

Update...

I'm going to pre-emptively strike something here and toss out the "gender equity as it applies to pay for women" card. It's disgusting that smart, effective, talented women rarely earn as much as their male counterparts...or have the same employment opportunities. I'm just sayin'.

Damn It's...

2007-09-05T23:41:00.000-07:00

...been a long time since I posted. There's a lot of folks that are posting slow these days. Maybe it's the summer, lots of things for us all to do, and let's face it...life is just busy. Really busy.

So yeah...I've been really busy. I was going over my schedule for one week, one week with a friend and he remarked that I seemed to be making myself insanely busy so that I didn't have to think aabout the pain I was going through.

True that, as they say.

I'm gonna have to cut some stuff loose and throttle back. There IS such a thing as too busy. Besides, I'm getting really tired. A lot of fatigue is from the upset and stress. S4O and I have exchanged pretty much "final" notes to each other and this chapter is over. Whether we reconcile sometime in the future...well never say never, right? Still I've been sad and pretty insane for the last month or so.

Breaking up really sucks.

I Love My Kids!

2007-08-13T23:18:00.000-07:00

My kids are older...out of High School, the youngest is, the oldest made me a Grandfather a few years ago.

The three of them and I went to dinner tonight...the first time in a long time just the four us had hung out together and I've got to say I just love them so much. We went through a lot with their Mom and her going waaaay sideways on us and me ending up raising the two younger ones myself and the older one getting kicked out and being sent to live with her real dad who never helped with her AT ALL...

...and we all made it OK. Really, really well actually. And once more they are here for me as I go through another breakup. They literally saved my life last time. This time it's not so rough...but still...they give me strength and inspire me like they've always done.

What a gift they are to me. I am a lucky, lucky man.

Choices...

2007-08-10T08:03:00.000-07:00

...this song kicks my ass. This is from George Jones' incredible 1999 album "Cold Hard Truth". Clean and sober (for a while at least) his first album for Asylum Records was a real gem. Almost every track was emotionally evocative and showed off his legendary vocal range and way with a song, most notably this one, "Choices" and the title song "Cold Hard Truth".

I'm thinking about my "choices" lately. And consequences thereof. A guy at a meeting I used to go to always said "Look back, but don't stare." I'm staring a little bit just now. Some events in my life lately resemble the bad car wreck on the freeway that you have to slow way up to pass and can't help but look at...can't turn away.

When I think how much of it is about my choices, the little ones, the ones I hardly notice and don't think will matter...then the ones I KNOW...the ones I know I'm bullshitting myself about...the ones I know I shouldn't do and I do anyway...well, like the man says..."I've had choices..."

Here's Another SHOCKER About Al...

2007-08-08T07:58:00.000-07:00

...hat tip to Trueself!

I took Sage Vivant's Erotic Personality Quiz and discovered I'm a Top!

What is your Erotic Personality? Find out now.

The Top likes to call the shots—sexually, at least. In real life, they may not show any signs of wanting or needing to be in control, but to achieve erotic fulfillment, The Top needs not only to give orders but also to see them carried out. Their sexual pleasure is of the psychosexual variety, which means that they intellectualize sex more than most of the other erotic types. They are often partial to leather and the accoutrements of bondage, and they frequently reward those people they can bend to their will. They may even like to deliver a bit of physical pain, but only if they know the recipient will enjoy that pain.

I loooove turning nice girls kinky! I love doing fun, nasty things with and to my partners. I have a vivid imagination and a pretty good toy box.

Anybody wanna play????

You Can Have Me Anytime...

2007-08-07T14:24:00.001-07:00

..one of my favorite Boz Scaggs songs.

On his GREAT album "Middle Man" the guitar solo was played by Carlos Santana. A VERRRY Carlos solo that still (30 years later) rips my heart apart in 24 measures.

Boz is very big in Japan and this was recorded there (isn't YouTube GREAT? I mean REALLY!). This guitar guy does fine. A great song is a great song is a great song.

So I saw an "escort" again Sunday night. Late. Too late. After running really, really hard all day. It was...well I was "a dud". We had a good time anyway. She was described by another "hobbyist" as a nut. And so she is. A GILF (you'd be surprised at how many there are), a fixture in the community, really fun to be with. But I wanted to fuck...needed to fuck...and it just wasn't going to happen. Of course when I woke up Monday morning everything was at attention. Wonderful. I'm working on the dating sites; AFF, maybe Chemistry.com and a local alternative paper. Nobody's beating the door down for a horny old old guy. One with mad skillz but they don't know that. Oh well...my job to ed-ja-ma-cate 'em, huh?

YIKES!!!!

2007-08-04T10:04:00.000-07:00

Violent??? I wouldn't call my style...violent...so much as...

...intense, maybe.

I can and do go for a looong time (finally a benefit of "age")...and I do love to get into "impact" play and "alternative activities", but only on a completely consensual (and I DO mean sensual) basis. I work with a pretty big sensory palette...and yes "intensity" IS one of the colors.

One partner recently looked up and into my eyes and said, "You're a hedonist, aren't you!" Now we had been at it for a while at that point and as I cradled her gaze in mine and settled sweet and full into her I gently kissed and stroked her lips with mine I asked, "Is that OK with you?"...

...and buried myself deeper into her sweetness. She settled back with the lovliest smile...

You scored as Violent, You are violent. To you there is
nothing better than a good spank. You like scratching and
biting 'cause that's what people are for.

Wet

75%

Violent

75%

Soft

69%

Hot

69%

Exciting

63%

Sweet

56%

Awkward

25%

Shy

19%

What is your sexual style?
created with QuizFarm.com

PLEASE NOTE: I score quite well in the other categories, too! Well rounded, versatile, considerate and completely dedicated to mutual satisfaction. Any takers??? Hmmmmm...?

(Hat tip to Trueself for the Quiz, and for being a pal!)

HNT!!!!

2007-08-02T08:49:00.001-07:00

Al shows off the "New Bod".

I Looove Bad Girls...

2007-08-01T16:42:00.000-07:00

...BIG SHOCK, huh?

Like most nice guys...I love bad girls (especially THIS one...mmmmmm). But bad girls like bad boys and I just never been that bad. Oh well.

Hazel posted a clip from Amy Winehouse and what's cool is that I heard THIS (see below) song on the radio as I was driving around and Hazel graciously (and Hazel IS gracious...I enjoy her and her "Ways of Brit") posted an Amy song and reminded me that I should too!

Enjoy!

P.S. My date went great...deserves it's own post. Some funny history. Really nice "vanilla" (I guess...I couldn't really tell from what we talked about) gal. It would be soooo fun to turn another one kinky. Mm-mm-mm-mm-mmmmmm.

Enough To Be On Your Way...

2007-07-31T14:08:00.000-07:00

...So sue me for posting twice in one day.

I'm in quite a "state" today. Quite emotional. I think I'm "releasing" the emotions and stuff and things and crap I've been cramming in to my body all these years. No wonder my corporal self and I have a crappy relationship. Seriously. My body and I have NOT always been friends. When I treat it like a toxic waste dump (figuratively AND literally) I'd say no wonder.

I would have to say the it's just in the last couple years I've gone from "truce" to "detente" to "peaceful co-existence" with my own physical self. The yoga practice is inviting a reconciliation. My mantra while practicing is "I trust you" "I love you" "We are one". So now I am getting the emotions back...the ones I've "stored" (read stuffed). 'Bout time I think.

The next step is to learn to dance.

Now...more music.

This could be my favorite James Taylor song. It is from his superb 1997 album "Hourglass" (followed in 2002 by the inexplicably dumb "October Road"). I read an interview where he said the song was actually about a brother of his who died. He changed the gender of the subject (I guess to make it "lay" better lyrically...or to "anony-mize" it a little), and a couple of the details, but by and large it is a terrific meditation on life. The kind of thing that Taylor does really well when he does it well.

So here it is with a great Mark O'Connor fiddle intro and some YoYo Ma cello in there too.

Enjoy!

It's Not That I Don't...

2007-07-31T10:17:00.000-07:00

...have anything to say, I just haven't been able to say it.

I don't think I'm going to get to get back with S4O. I don't know that I can. You see, I lied. I cheated on her with "Jenny", I knew I was going to do it, and I did it. I got hooked on "escort boards" and swore I was only a voyeur. Nahhh...I was plotting. I got caught being on some other kinky dating boards and although I didn't get anywhere with them, I probably would have if I could have. And I came up with the lamest of lame lies (are there any other kind?) to wiggle out of the scrutiny I was under.

There was quite a spirited discussion of "moral code" on some other blogs a while ago. Well my moral code got pretty A-moral pretty fast.

Liar and Cheat. That would be how S4O would see it if and or when she finds/found out. She don't roll that way...she doesn't cop to a lot of moral ambiguity, or any really...although she manifests plenty (but I judge no man) and I really didn't see myself that way either (morally ambiguous or even amoral) until I got a real look...and I had to get out on my own to do it.

I was asked by a commenter what happened to the marriage, and I didn't really answer, but if anyone is interested I'll answer now.

Sure a lot of it was about the kids, and the lack of privacy when S4O and I were fucking. And her son always (ALWAYS!) disliked and resented me for taking his mother away from him. Also as we settled in to our relationship...which started online and was conducted mostly long distance (the courtship part) and then resulted with her and two of her four kids moving to another State to be with me and to live with me and my two kids (THAT part actually worked out)...we grew well together and then stuff started coming up.

Caution...CAUTION...online lovers. There really IS more to the person when it turns into 24/7.

So yeah, some things were tough. And I could deal with the presence of someone who obviously detested me (her youngest son) less and less. And the general aimlessness and lack of organization and discipline and the sleep problems and the drama/trauma that followed those guys (and her ) around got to me. Call me weak, intolerant, or whatever you want but I didn't want to live that way anymore and the good stuff we had, the wonderful sex life and pretty good companionship (and even THAT was getting undermined by the Kid...she couldn't/wouldn't go places with me anymore 'cause she had to cater to his little whims. I finally stopped asking.) got overwhelmed by the powerful feelings that I DID NOT HAVE A PLACE IN THAT HOME ANYMORE. That I was pushed out...any space I had was overrun by the kid and that/their energy and I had no place to rest, relax, recharge, recenter, and love and live...whatever.

And the shit started coming out sideways. I would have cheated...with a real person, not "just" a hooker. I know I would have. I was getting sicker and sicker and believe me folks I know how to do sick, and sick behavior. FUCK! I had to leave. I was afraid that I was killing my spirit.

So the bright light of realization is raining on me. I am starting to see what and who I am right now...what I became and how it squares with who and what I think I am and who and what I think (and say) I want to be.

And I miss S4O. Every day. And I don't miss living there at that house with all of them and I don't miss a lot about living with her and maybe that will change and maybe it won't and maybe we'll get back together (stranger things HAVE happened, I hear) and maybe we won't and maybe she'll tell the little shit that he has to work things out with ME (Al) "Mano a' Mano" because she married ME (Al), married me for a reason...and I (Al) will be around (hopefully) after the kid is gone. "So Son, you're just going to have to deal with it." But she didn't. She put herself in between the two of us and it froze me out.

I'm sad right now...better than I was before I started writing (as usual...and thanks, guys), but sad none the less. I'm going to go through the feelings...I wasn't feeling ANYTHING for a while and stuffing it all into my body (like usual) and I can't and won't live that way anymore.

When I'm emotional, I go to the music...and I have a very favorite Elvis Presley song and it is a very sad song...and a beautiful song too...well written, well played, exceptionally well performed by the "Man" at the top of his game. So cry along with Al, kids...or not. But I'm just going through this shit now. Life. No more no less. Kick the shit out of me (figuratively I hope) if you have to, but this is the way it is.

P.S. I have a date this afternoon. Just gotta get back on the horse, ya' know?

Woo Hooo!!!!....

2007-07-11T06:55:00.000-07:00

...I'm up to three subscribers on "Bloglines".

P.S. Two of 'em are me!

So I Mentioned...

2007-07-09T17:37:00.000-07:00

...that I missed my wife terribly. And I do. Every day. And my friends here and elsewhere have encouraged me to go to her and see if things can be worked out.

So today I did.

I said I was wrong to do what I did...leave...and I was sorry...I hurt her very, very badly and she is about the worlds sweetest person...and if she could see her was clear to work things out, it would make me very happy.

But AL...what about the hookers and the kink club and screwing the crazy gal from the office (remind me to tell you guys about THAT!)????? SHHHHHHHHHHHHH! PLEASE! I'm having a MOMENT here.

Anyway...she was ready for it...and said she doesn't think she can trust me (or anybody really again) and that's about where we left it. Knowing her I think that's about it. The worst part was where she said that the one thing she counted on was that I wouldn't leave her. That hurt...because I did. I didn't want to but I did.

So although I didn't put a time limit on it really, I'll be very surprised if we reconcile and for that I am profoundly sad. And I would not have been able to move on without having tried. Now I REALLY don't know what's going to happen next.

One thing I DO know...I am going to Bikram Yoga with my oldest daughter. Right now. More later.

Toodles.

Today's Funny...

2007-07-01T14:16:00.001-07:00

..."A Priest, a Rabbi, and an Irishman walk into a pub... The bartender looks up & says, "What is this, some kinda joke?"

Nyuk, nyuk.

Won't Back Down...

2007-07-01T13:58:00.000-07:00

Time to get back on the horse and ride, folks.

Like Tom says: I won't back down!

Back me up to the gates of Hell...

...but I won't back down.

P.S. LOOK at that GUITAR Mike Campbell is playing...it's an "upside down" Gibson Firebird!!!!! VERRRRRY rare. Ultra-cool. Wow.

A Cry On The Fly

2007-06-29T11:08:00.000-07:00

So the Heart of Al goes out to all my blogging buddies who for one reason or other are stuck in realationships that that don't fit them anymore. Some are contemplating breakup, some already have.

I left my wife of five years, whom I still love and damn, if I wish I didn't. Damn, if I wish I could have stayed. Damn, if I don't miss her every-fucking-day regardless of how crass and capricious and cavalier I may seem to be.

Damn, I wish I could hate her...or at least be indifferent. Maybe that would make it easier.

Damn, if we will ever get together again.

Damn.

OK Girls, Line Up Over Here Please...

2007-06-28T22:40:00.000-07:00

...shit, I wish!!

My friend, secrets has this on her blog...which you guys ought to read BTW, and I was curious:

What Color Rose Am I?

You Are a Blue Rose

You represent the unattainable and fantasies

Your vibe: larger than life and intoxicating

Falling in love with you is: like seeing a whole new world

What Color Rose Are You?

Just a little commercial for a single guy (shoot, it's my blog, why NOT?!)...

I AM...thoughtful, brave, loyal, kind, maybe not so thrifty but nobody's perfect...I'm decent looking, employed, relatively ambitious, and I do know my way around a p@ssy and a conversation. So if you are a Pacific Northwest kind of girl or if you want a "hook-up" when you visit up here drop a line! Al_Laddin@clearwire.net

Thank you.

Me?...Pure?...C'mon...

2007-06-27T20:12:00.000-07:00

...hat tip to Joe Flirt and TrueSelf...

You Are 16% Pure

You've been a very bad girl or boy...
And you probably enjoyed every minute of it.

How Pure Are You?

I'm just a HAPPY little Devil!

Happy...happy...happy!!!!

I Got Tagged...

2007-06-25T11:50:00.000-07:00

...by Wandering Hubby (Thanks, WH! You are one of my fave reads.) with the "Music Meme"!

Which is:

1. Go to the Billboard #1 Hits listings (scroll down and you’ll see them separated by decades on the left in the sidebar)
2. Pick the year you turned 18
3. Get yourself nostalgic over the songs of the year
4. Pick 5 songs and write something about how these songs affected you
5. Pass it on to 5 more friends

So this is really, really, reeee-ally late...and it's here. Thanks BJ, and my heart goes out to you.

Wow...OK. I was a "counter-culture" type in those days...I have not changed much. Oh yeah. And I was really not listening to a lot of "Top 40" by then...but...

Oh CRAP!!!!! I just read the @#$%ing list! HOW AM I GOING TO PICK FIVE?????

Here are the top 75 sellers for 1969:

1.	Build Me Up Buttercup - Foundations (Billboard High Chart: #3)
2.	Sweet Caroline - Neil Diamond (Billboard High Chart: #4)
3.	Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye - Steam (Billboard High Chart: #1)
4.	More Today Than Yesterday - Spiral Staircase (Billboard High Chart: #12)
5.	Proud Mary - Creedence Clearwater Revival (Billboard High Chart: #2)
6.	Son Of A Preacher Man - Dusty Springfield (Billboard High Chart: #10)
7.	My Way - Frank Sinatra (Billboard High Chart: #27)
8.	Honky Tonk Women - Rolling Stones (Billboard High Chart: #1)
9.	Something - the Beatles (Billboard High Chart: #3)
10.	Sugar Sugar - Archies (Billboard High Chart: #1)

11.	Stand By Your Man - Tammy Wynette (Billboard High Chart: #19)
12.	Touch Me - Doors (Billboard High Chart: #3)
13.	I Can't Get Next To You - Temptations (Billboard High Chart: #1)
14.	Bad Moon Rising - Creedence Clearwater Revival (Billboard High Chart: #2)
15.	Hooked On A Feeling - B.J. Thomas (Billboard High Chart: #5)
16.	It's Your Thing - The Isley Brothers (Billboard High Chart: #2)
17.	Come Together - the Beatles (Billboard High Chart: #1)
18.	Grazing In The Grass - Friends of Distinction (Billboard High Chart: #3)
19.	Traces - Classics IV & Dennis Yost (Billboard High Chart: #2)
20.	Hawaii 5-0 - Ventures (Billboard High Chart: #4)
21.	Everybody's Talkin' - Nilsson (Billboard High Chart: #6)
22.	My Cherie Amour - Stevie Wonder (Billboard High Chart: #4)
23.	Hot Fun In The Summertime - Sly and the Family Stone (Billboard High Chart: #2)
24.	Someday We'll Be Together - Diana Ross and the Supremes (Billboard High Chart: #1)
25.	Down On The Corner - CCR (Billboard High Chart: #3)
26.	Suspicious Minds - Elvis Presley (Billboard High Chart: #1)
27.	Everyday People - Sly & Family Stone (Billboard High Chart: #1)
28.	Crimson and Clover - Tommy James and the Shondells (Billboard High Chart: #1)
29.	Time of the Season - Zombies (Billboard High Chart: #3)

30.	Love's Been Good To Me - Frank Sinatra (Billboard High Chart: #75)
31.	Twenty Five Miles - Edwin Starr (Billboard High Chart: #6)
32.	Worst That Could Happen - Brooklyn Bridge (Billboard High Chart: #3)
33.	Get Back - Beatles (Billboard High Chart: #1)
34.	Ruben James - Kenny Rogers & the First Edition (Billboard High Chart: #26)
35.	A Boy Named Sue - Johnny Cash (Billboard High Chart: #2)
36.	Gimme Gimme Good Lovin - Crazy Elephant (Billboard High Chart: # 12)
37.	You've Made Me So Very Happy - Blood, Sweat and Tears (Billboard High Chart: #2)
38.	Give Peace A Chance - John Lennon (Billboard High Chart: #14)
39.	Isrealites - Desmond Dekker and the Aces (Billboard High Chart: #9)
40.	Wedding Bell Blues - The 5th Dimension (Billboard High Chart: #1)
41.	Alice's Rock and Roll Restuaraunt - Arlo Guthrie (Billboard High Chart: #97)
42.	Stand! - Sly and the Family Stone (Billboard High Chart: #22)
43.	These Eyes - Guess Who (Billboard High Chart: #6)
44.	Green River - Creedence Clearwater Revival (CCR) (Billboard High Chart: #2)
45.	Yester-Me, Yester-You, Yesterday - Stevie Wonder (Billboard High Chart: #7)
46.	Put A Little Love In Your Heart - Jackie DeShannon (Billboard High Chart: #4)
47.	Eli's Coming - Three Dog Night (Billboard High Chart: #10)
48.	Jingo - Santana (Billboard High Chart: #56)
49.	I Can Hear Music - Beach Boys (Billboard High Chart: #24)
50.	Memphis Underground - Herbie Mann (Billboard High Chart: #44)
51.	Lay Lady Lay - Bob Dylan (Billboard High Chart: #7)
52.	Kick Out The Jams - MC5 (Billboard High Chart: #82)
53.	Leaving On A Jet Plane - Peter Paul and Mary (Billboard High Chart: #1)
54.	The Boxer - Simon and Garfunkle (Billboard High Chart: #7)
55.	I've Gotta Be Me - Sammy Davis, Jr (Billboard High Chart:#11)
56.	I Got a Line On You - Spirit (Billboard High Chart: #25)
57.	I'm Gonna Make You Love Me - Suremes and Temptations (Billboard High Chart: #2)
58.	Kozmic Blues - Janis Joplin (Billboard High Chart: #41)
59.	Crystal Blue Persuasion - Tommy James and the Shondells (Billboard High Chart: #1)
60	Something In The Air - Thunderclap Newman (Billboard High Chart: #37)
61.	In The Ghetto - Elvis Presley (Billboard High Chart: #3)
62.	Suite: Judy Blue Eyes - Crosby, Stillsand Nash (Billboard High Chart: #21)
63.	Aquarius/Let The Sunshine In - the 5th Dimension (Billboard High Chart: #1)
64.	Listen To The Band - the Monkees (Billboard High Chart: #63)
65.	Spinning Wheel - Blood Sweat and Tears (Billboard High Chart: #2)
66.	Chelsea Morning - Judy Collins (Billboard High Chart: #78)
67.	Commotion - CCR (Billboard High Chart: #30)
68.	Yesterday, When I Was Young - Roy Clark (Billboard High Chart: #19)
69.	And When I Die - Blood, Sweat and Tears (Billboard High Chart: #2)
70.	The Pledge of Allegiance - Red Skelton (Billboard High Chart: #44)
71.	Pinball Wizard - The Who (Billboard High Chart: #19)
72.	Am I The Same Girl - Barbara Acklin (Billboard High Chart: #79)
73.	Hot Smoke and Sassafras - The Bubble Pupply (Billboard High Chart: #14)
74.	Marrakesh Express - Crosby, Stills and Nash (Billboard High Chart: #28)
75.	In The Year 2525 - Zager and Evans (Billboard High Chart: #1 )

And HERE are the actual #1 Songs Week by Week in 1969:

Hot 100 number-one hits of 1969 (USA)

These are the Billboard magazine Hot 100 number one hits of 1969.

Issue Date	Song	Artist
January 4	I Heard It through the Grapevine	Marvin Gaye
January 11	I Heard It through the Grapevine	Marvin Gaye
January 18	I Heard It through the Grapevine	Marvin Gaye
January 25	I Heard It through the Grapevine	Marvin Gaye
February 1	Crimson and Clover	Tommy James & the Shondells
February 8	Crimson and Clover	Tommy James & the Shondells
February 15	Everyday People	Sly & the Family Stone
February 22	Everyday People	Sly & the Family Stone
March 1	Everyday People	Sly & the Family Stone
March 8	Everyday People	Sly & the Family Stone
March 15	Dizzy	Tommy Roe
March 22	Dizzy	Tommy Roe
March 29	Dizzy	Tommy Roe
April 5	Dizzy	Tommy Roe
April 12	Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In (The Flesh Failures)	The Fifth Dimension
April 19	Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In (The Flesh Failures)	The Fifth Dimension
April 26	Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In (The Flesh Failures)	The Fifth Dimension
May 5	Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In (The Flesh Failures)	The Fifth Dimension
May 12	Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In (The Flesh Failures)	The Fifth Dimension
May 17	Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In (The Flesh Failures)	The Fifth Dimension
May 24	Get Back	The Beatles with Billy Preston
May 31	Get Back	The Beatles with Billy Preston
June 7	Get Back	The Beatles with Billy Preston
June 14	Get Back	The Beatles with Billy Preston
June 21	Get Back	The Beatles with Billy Preston
June 28	Love Theme From Romeo and Juliet	Henry Mancini
July 5	Love Theme From Romeo and Juliet	Henry Mancini
July 12	In the Year 2525 (Exordium and Terminus)	Zager and Evans
July 19	In the Year 2525 (Exordium and Terminus)	Zager and Evans
July 26	In the Year 2525 (Exordium and Terminus)	Zager and Evans
August 2	In the Year 2525 (Exordium and Terminus)	Zager and Evans
August 9	In the Year 2525 (Exordium and Terminus)	Zager and Evans
August 16	In the Year 2525 (Exordium and Terminus)	Zager and Evans
August 23	Honky Tonk Women	The Rolling Stones
August 30	Honky Tonk Women	The Rolling Stones
September 6	Honky Tonk Women	The Rolling Stones
September 13	Honky Tonk Women	The Rolling Stones
September 20	Sugar, Sugar	The Archies
September 27	Sugar, Sugar	The Archies
October 4	Sugar, Sugar	The Archies
October 11	Sugar, Sugar	The Archies
October 18	I Can't Get Next to You	The Temptations
October 25	I Can't Get Next to You	The Temptations
November 1	Suspicious Minds	Elvis Presley
November 8	Wedding Bell Blues	The Fifth Dimension
November 15	Wedding Bell Blues	The Fifth Dimension
November 22	Wedding Bell Blues	The Fifth Dimension
November 29	Come Together / Something	The Beatles
December 6	Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye	Steam
December 13	Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye	Steam
December 20	Leaving on a Jet Plane	Peter, Paul and Mary
December 27	Someday We'll Be Together	Diana Ross & The Supremes

OH...KAY.

Here we go...

The one that sticks out for me right away is the "Love Theme From Romeo and Juliet". I was (and still am) such a romantic little sap. I had fallen for this cute gal in our crowd (the "Be-In Crowd"? lol) and she had dumped me. For a stupid "molecular biology" student at the local University! What the Fuck!?!?!? Broke poor little Al's heart. It would NOT be the last time.

How about "Heard it Through the Grapevine" for #2? Marvin Gaye was beginning to cross-over and dominate the Top 40 Radio the way he (and the rest of the Motown Stable) OWNED the Soul Charts. He would release landmark album "What's Goin On" in 1971. THAT album would do much to change the face of music as we know it, ushering in the era of the personal statement albums by singer-songwriters. There still may be no better example of a generously talented artist creating an intensely personal and searingly political masterwork than this.

"In The Year 2525"...what was it PT Barnum said about underestimating the intelligence of the American public? What a piece of crap song. I hope those guys did OK with the royalty checks. Not that I thought they started out trying to deliberately make a dumb record (see Archie's, The..."Sugar, Sugar), but if they did they succeeded brilliantly. I used to cringe when it came on.

"Suspicious Minds" ELVIS!!!! was back. What a great record for him with "Elvis in Memphis" which had "Burnin' Love", "Don't Cry, Daddy", "The Ghetto" and the great "Kentucky Rain". The TV Show in 1968 had set the stage and Elvis was back. It was the beginning of the end.

The Beatles had three Number One's and "Get Back" was the most significant even though it was purely a McCartney song. It was a real raw rock song with minimal production after all the brilliant gorgeous and ground breaking studio albums. Sir Paul was still concerned with Lennon's opinion and after John died the "editor" was gone and his writing quality pretty much went in the crapper.

So there ya' go, I would get my first job as a bar musician in 1970 and spent almost all the next 15 years playing and singing all over for your listening and dancing pleasure (I was ALWAYS there all week and NEVER forgot to remind you to tip your bartender and your lovely cocktail waitress...who I earnestly wanted to fuck and could never go home with). What a great life that was!

OK...TAG, you're it to:

Joe Flirt - A man figuring it out...with attitude!

Nightside Jonny - This guy is worth the time. Nice writing on my favorite subjects.

Desperate Husband - A great guy in a tough spot. Hmmm...if I tag him will he write more?

Dive Bar Dancer - She Dances, She Writes (well!!)...I'm in LOVE!!!

Underachieving Mommy - I keep dragging Nanette over here and she keeps being nice to me.

I'd tag Oblivion (my secret sweetie...DON'T TELL HER!!!), but she just started a new job and is probably "roped".

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming...thanks BJ for yanking me out of the gutter for a while.

What A Fool Believes...

2007-06-19T00:55:00.000-07:00

...or "Hooked on a Feeling"

6/18/2007

Dearest Jay-mee,

So I know this guy, see…he’s a good guy. Regular, got problems like everybody, but a good soul. And he met this girl. This a-MAZ-ing girl, he says. He says that he’s “seen” her a couple times. I know what he means. He’s an adventurer, this guy…he says he’s on this “journey of discovery”. He wants to discover himself. He may not seem like it to look at him or to be around him, but he was really inhibited and repressed with sex all his life. He and I talk…about everything, really. Lot’s of reasons, he’ll tell you…like the time when he was at confession (he calls himself a “recovering catholic” I’m sure you know lots of those) and being a good little Catholic boy of about…oh…seven, eight maybe…he took the whole thing very seriously, the Church, the Eucharist, the Sacraments, altar boy, the whole nine yards…so he told this priest, this old parish guy, seen and heard it all…twice probably…and an alky most likely, sick of the whiners and adulterers and thieves and liars and self-righteous prigs…maybe banging an altar boy or a nun (or both) on the side…so this sweet little kid, my friend, he reaches down, screws up his courage…’cause he want to be honest, and he tells this old parish guy, “I-I-I touched myself.”

DEAD SILENCE from the other side of the screen. They had these screens in those days. And you could hear the murmur from the other side where another poor soul was spilling just enough of what they thought would save ‘em from the hot place (the priest was in the middle between two doors with this sliding wood thing behind a screen so you couldn’t really see who the priest was and when it was your turn, that old wood would scrape and the air would change and you’d start: “Bless me Father for I have sinned, my last confession was (and you say how long it had been since you asked God to make you clean again…so He and His Son could save you…’cause if you weren’t clean FIRST…you couldn’t be saved). And the old wood smelled like sweat and scared breath and folks afraid of what God would do to them for just being FOLKS…ferchrissakes.

So dead silence…and the old guy was counting the beads of sweat popping from the little fella’s brow…the old guy knew…he could hear ‘em. Then he said, in his low voice, heavy with practiced gravitas…”I’m trying to figure out whether this is a mortal sin or not.” Then he went quiet. And he waited for the words to sink in…MOR-TAL SIN. The sin (for Catholics) that would send you straight to hell. STRAIGHT. TO. HELL. For ALL eternity. Of course the poor kid, my friend, was scared shitless. And of course this old asshole priest knew just exactly what he was doing to this poor kid and another brick in the wall of the Legacy of the Catholic Guilt was laid. Now my friend, he loves to tell this story. And he doesn’t attribute all his sexual fucked-up-ness to the incident…but it was a lot of stuff like that and what he learned about sex from his Mom…who is a WHOLE ‘nother story…and him being a little passive, not so assertive with the girls, when he was younger, and then his whole “cock problem” thing like he calls it, where he used to feel like he didn’t have one, ‘cause maybe he needed a little more chemistry with a girl or something…but even if he REALLY liked or even loved her he had a (not so) hard time. But he says vitamin “V” pretty much fixed that. He actually says “Uncle Pfizer gave him his cock back.” Fucking Big Pharma’s good for something after all.

Anyway...This girl..He says he never laughed during sex before. He never had a great time getting his cock worked on like she did to him. He says he was laughing so much that she was wondering what was going on. He said he wanted to talk more but he was having, and he said this; “So goddamn much fun.” That he didn’t talk like he usually does…he likes to talk, he says…and he was so happy with playing with her tits (he says they are amazing and I believe him, I mean, he’s seen ‘em, I haven’t) and he just went on and on and on about her pussy and how responsive she was and how he hoped she wasn’t getting bored with all the fun HE was having and that he didn’t even get to get to the kink he wanted to try (‘cause he says he gets pretty creative) and that maybe they could get to that sometime. And I started to get a little concerned and well, I said…”Wait a minute there, Cowboy…you can’t be getting’ SPRUNG on this gal. She’s…uhhhh…well, ummm…she may LIKE you, but not in THAT way, capiche?” My friend, he gets pensive…”Yeah,” he says “I know. From where we started, and for how we “met” and what we “do”…that’s just not something that ends up happening, or even being a good idea.” “But stuff like that happens, doesn’t it?” “Oh yeah. Guys get the signals confused all the time. It’s easy, really. It’s easy to misunderstand or “forget” what’s going on. Happens a lot. Sometimes…rarely…it works out. Once in a Blue Moon, they say. Mostly, though…not a good idea.” “Does she know you like her?” “I HOPE so. I mean she said to call and email whenever…I think she’s sweet to say that, and I think I know that she knows that she likes me pretty well, and I’m glad. I really like how we get along and what we do. But the other…you know, I’m like 20 plus years her senior…she’s got lots of “friends” and a busy life. She sounds pretty happy about who she is and what she does.” “Oh so you think maybe she’s thinkin’ that you’re thinking that you and her…?” “Yeah, maybe that…” my buddy says “Man…I hope not. Not like I wouldn’t, and not like we don’t get along, but…no. I wouldn’t want her to think I think that. I mean she IS really amazing, man, she’s like my sexual muse. I have never, EVER been like that…and I have been having so much fun that I haven’t even gotten to MY kinks…” “OK, OK…we’ve been there already…” I interrupted…”we’re pals and all…BUT…” “Yeah, OK…” He says, “but man, I think about her and I just start laughing…she says she wants my dick to get hard when I think about her and me...did I tell you that? Well guess what?” And this biiiig grin lit up his face. Now I have never seen him grin like that, and I’ve known him a long time. He’s just been through a real bunch of shit lately and it’s great to see him so happy.

“So what now, man? You aren’t really…” I can’t help it. This has got disaster for this poor sucker written all over it if he gets all...well if he doesn’t “understand” or “get” the situation. “Well, I just really like her. Not as a “girlfriend”, ‘cause I know that is not gonna happen. Probably SHOULDN’T happen even if it could. I mean, for myself…I don’t want a primary exclusive relationship with anyone, anyway. I just don’t think I’m built that way anymore. I can probably do poly. I want to try it. Maybe I can find a bunch of like minded and like-hearted folks…I kinda don’t know where to start, but the CPSC may be a good place. I want to participate in the “lifestyle” in a more “out” way, I think. I’m easing into it. Besides…I’M very busy, I’m so happily single I can’t stand it sometimes, and I want to drink in whatever comes my way.” So this journey of his, it looks good on him. He does really like this girl…and he really doesn’t want to “insert” (her word, not his) himself where it’s not appropriate or wanted. Oh..and he says he would like to be kind of a “regular”. I knew what he meant. I’ve wanted to do that myself. I hope it works out. One thing about my friend, he’s very sensitive about keeping stuff where it ought to be. But he’s decided that he doesn’t want to miss out on anything, either. No regrets for not doing something he wanted to do…but didn’t.
Wow…long story, huh? Sorry about that, I get a little carried away. This guy, he’s a good guy. He says this gal is “aces”, too. He said a couple times how besides how much he liked her, he respected her for what she does…ALL the stuff…and her commitment and ambition. He’s a big fan of people, this guy is. He’s in it to have fun (he seems to be REALLY having fun), keep good boundaries and communication, and respect the “parameters” of the “relationship”. I don’t know WTF he was trying to say, but I guess he said it, didn’t he.

I'm So Lame...

2007-06-19T00:53:00.000-07:00

...I think I can't read you guys stuff unless I post something.

An ego maniac with an inferiority complex.

That's me.

It's only been nine days.

Dear Diary...

2007-06-08T18:16:00.000-07:00

...sorry for the dearth of posting. I've been busy, exhausted, lazy, (writers) blocked, activity averse, seemingly all at the same time.

How-Everrrrrrrrr....

I have also...changed offices, done good business, started a major new project and been fucked to within an inch of my life!!!! You bet I'm gonna write about THAT (session two will be coming/cumming up next week)!!!!!

So Al's got lotsa grist for the mill now...just gotta let it all out!

Later y'all.

In For A Penny...

2007-05-30T23:40:00.000-07:00

...in for a pound.

Or in my case...ALL in.

I am tired...and sad and apprehensive (I'm changing offices...nothing like shaking EVERYTHING up) and I'm trying to work out the rest of the "Jenny" story. Thanks for your patience.

And I miss S4O. Very much. I wonder if I should go to her and at least put it out there that I miss her terribly and could she consider getting back together somehow. I don't know. Unlike a lot of blogs I read...we, she and I, got along great. Better than great, actually. I don't know.

Later guys. I'm too tired to ponder the big questions right now. They'll keep until tomorrow I'm sure.

Jenny - A Dangerous Liason...

2007-05-28T00:40:00.000-07:00

...a friend of mine confessed to me a long time ago that he hired girls to fuck. He had some stories too, about when he was really drunk and coked up and getting tied up at knife point...erotic or felonious...who knows. I haven't brought that up since.

So a while ago the same guy and I were talking about financial stuff and he mentioned that he had a big credit card bill to work off. I asked what it was from. He doesn't drink or drug anymore, hasn't for some time. he likes to travel, and I thought maybe that was it, but he said no, it was because that year he had spent $10,000 (actually probably more) on escorts.

I was floored. I had been reading the escort review boards by that time and I quickly calculated that he really was going to town with the gals and I said so, expecting him to get a little sheepish and say what a great time he had.

Well beside the fact that he's not the light hearted, easy going type he was somewhat rueful about the whole thing. When I asked who his regular was he told me (I knew who she was) and he said she was a "nut" and I couldn't tell if that was a pejorative or not. Then I said I'd like to "consort" sometime (I had not done so yet) and he said, rather emphatically, don't do it. He didn't amplify on the comment and I didn't press the issue. As time passed I would ask and he would tell me whether he had or not (he was working on NOT "using a girl") and we would discuss the matter with as little judgement as possible. Still his comment struck me.

So this week I had a date with the redoubtable Jenny. She is well known, well reviewed and REALLY good at what she does by all accounts including now, mine.

Now I have all this messy, crappy, exhilarating and depressing stuff going on in my personal life and when I moved out of my house, away from my (soon to be I guess ex-) wife, into my own apartment I was filled with rebellious energy so I booked Jenny, asking her to be my celebratory playperson. She agreed and as the date was more than a month out, life went on.

In the meantime, I popped the cherry on my apartment with the aforementioned "girl who was a nice lay" (my, my, my...such crass talk) and I hired my "companion" after the brutal week, so the bloom had faded a little and I thought about calling the appointment off, but really guys...do YOU think 'Ol Al would really DO something like that? Well???

Those of you who muttered "No fucking way" are right. No way was I missing a date with a loverly girl who was going to happily take her clothes off for me and energetically turn me out. No Effing Way.

So the day of the date arrived and even though I wanted to have an easy day and relax before the "date", I was running around and busy just about up to the minute of Jenny's arrival. I had booked a multi-hour appointment. My first experience with her had been anxiety ridden for a number of reasons...really I was scared shitless...and although it was not a disaster, I didn't have the greatest time. Not her fault. She worked hard to get my motor started but to not much avail.

So the date was to consist of dinner (nice local steakhouse "On me and on the clock" I had explained), and some relaxed play.

I wish I could say it went well. If it only went well it would not be the problem I can see it becoming.

Happy HNT!!!!

2007-05-23T23:48:00.001-07:00

So here he is...Al Laddin with his FIRST HNT!!!

35 pounds lighter, Ol' Al is sporting his rock-star "Lucky" Brand jeans (there's an outlet store nearby).

LOOK OUT!! HE'S AFTER SOME GILFs!!!!!

When I'm Sad...

2007-05-22T00:17:00.000-07:00

...I listen to Bill Evans.

You can too...here,

and especially HERE.

How You Know It's Over...

2007-05-21T23:50:00.000-07:00

...is when you get together for a "talk". I asked how she was doing earlier in the day and she said "Not good. " I miss her terribly, and I won't move back into the house with the kids. It's a tough spot. I suggested we get together.

So we met at a local place.

I wish I could say it all went great after that. OK, I'll say it. And I'll be a big fat lying bastard for doing it.

Nope it went shitty. It sucked. It's over.

I got there and she was nursing a Baily's/ ice. Bad sign. She ONLY drinks when she's beyond upset. I got to hear about work and this and that and I was just about ready to bolt...leave my food that I was picking at (after I said "I miss you terribly").

Then she got this fakey conspiratorial look and said "So tell me everything that went wrong"...like I really fucking would. Like I would tell her all the little stuff that would bug me once or twice (well maybe three) times a month...until I caught a glimpse of her looking precious when she couldn't see me. Like even the bigger stuff that I could blow off because even that was just too small to fuck with when I held her or kissed her or reached around and spread her cheeks and tickled her pussy and her bottom when we were laying face to face...starting to fuck.

Geez. So I talked about...her kid. How as much as I tried...I was always the "alien" the jerk who was fucking his mother. Then we spent some time with her reactions to some of my uhhh...diversions. "Here's Al Laddin from Anytown, Bob, he's 56 years old, a healthy male and something you may not know about him is he's into porn and kink..."

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Sheee-it.

Yes...I hurt My Girl, and she hurt me too. We had a couple knock down drag outs about the viewing and I was accused of being really stupid for marrying the woman I loved instead of the girls I SOMETIMES liked to look at, although she had no problem with the extra-curricular activities shall we say "one on one". So I got to be appropriately chastened and whatever.

I broached the subject of "live apart/ stay together", she said no dice so that's that.

I guess it all hit me today...again...I'd had some reactions lately, but I got a good great dose of "Awwww Fuck" today. Sorry about the "too much information" but I'm sort of beyond caring about sensibility right now and if you're offended....I'll put it in a fourth step and make amends later. Right now...I want to eat five bags of cheap jelly beans...I want to stay up 'till four looking at porn sites, I want a forget it fuck, I want to do anything but blow my sobriety....I'm just gonna go to sleep.

And I loaded up the stereo and my cd's and brought 'em over today.

Yeah...I Need To Write...

2007-05-14T23:36:00.000-07:00

Man it has been a ride since April 5th, and then April 14th when Al got his little pad, and then to now. I feel like I need to get this out and move on...move out into my new world and be who I'm becoming. The beautiful (I am CHEWING on my knuckles as I look at this...I mean LOOK. AT. THIS.) Oblivion posted some bullet points, and right now I think that's a good idea too.

So I made a french press (it's 12:30 AM here-I must be insayne)...and took my shower...and I'm gonna write a while (thank you secrets, for getting me off my butt), then get a little freak on so I can cum so I can go to sleep. Typical guy, huh. So here goes...from the upper left of the US, in a sort of furniture-less apt., for a while at least...

So in the last month and a half I have...

Left my wife of five years with whom I was very much in love.
Moved into a nifty one bedroom (built in '56 with real wood...still varnished!) apartment.
Felt REALLY bad about feeling REALLY good...that I left. That I got out of somewhere I felt was dangerous to my spirit.
Visited my therapist from my first divorce eleven years ago. He thinks my reasoning is faulty, I think. Fuck Him.
Got an amazing Tarot Card reading. Wow. I love the cards and I think they tell me things I need to hear. I needed to hear this. Wow (more later).
Saw a Pro-Domme. Yep...that's right. Kinda-sorta vanilla (for that), she was testing me to see where I was at, and I didn't get close to my limit. I'm going back. With a plan (ouch!).
Had a brutal work week with four artist jobss in three days to top it all off. Got to pay for my fun, though. The two in one day were 200 miles apart, and I...
...hired a "companion" for after that last one. Unfortunately, I was "too pooped to pop" ( I always wondered what that meant...now I know). She did say something cute...she was holding my cock and said "You can do some damage with that...some happy damage." I blushed.
Went to karaoke for the first time in YEARS...it was a local "providers'" meet and greet. THAT was a trip!
Fucked a girl at the nifty new bachelor pad...after a nice dinner and a great night of heavy flirting. Yummmmm. She IS lovely and a good lay. She was shown a fine time. At least it looked that way to me. More to THAT story too.
Then...a Carnival...a carnal Carnival of Kink. I got played with with the electric toys. I got my nipples (temporarily) pierced. I got high on the pain.

So other than that...it's been a little lonely and a little boring.

Not (well, a little sometimes, and I miss S4O).

Stories to tell, stories to tell. Man...it's good to be alive!

P.S. I'm hooking up with Jenny...and maybe a friend. Hmmmmmmm.

3/5th Of A Mile In Ten Seconds

2007-04-25T21:54:00.000-07:00

For the 5 or 6 of you that "get" the title of this post..."What A Long, Strange Trip It's Been", and being, huh?

So I've just had a dramatic melt-down of nuclear (NOT NEW-CEW-LAR, you fucking MORON!) proportions and I am now...

...on my own, banished from my home, MY choice, and fucking happy about it. Sad too, at the same time, you know how it is. All the stuff that went down...I'll get to in more detail, or not so much...I don't know just yet. Suffice it to say that Ol' Al's a free agent once more. Yippeee!

I am so looking forward to sharing flirting, fucking and romantic adventures and inevitably MIS-adventures with you, my blogging pals.

So...I'm back. A little worse for wear, but ready for action, Jackson!

Buh Bye..For A While.

2007-04-05T07:46:00.000-07:00

Al is going on "vacation".

A bunch of shit came down this week that I have to deal with somehow, and I debated going through it with this as a forum, or journal, like so many of you great people do...and I may still.

But for now I am going to "cocoon" and try to sort this out.

Love you all.

Be back soon.

Another Interview.

2007-04-01T20:36:00.000-07:00

This one from the lovely (for REAL, she has a picture!!) Nanette at Underachieving Mommy.

Her blog is thoughtful and well written, with stimulating and interesting topics. Certainly not what you are used to reading here.

She was kind enough to give me questions...four of the regulars with a "zinger" for me.

Thank you, Nanette. My place gets a little more class for you having been here.

As always...for an interview read the "meme" and ask me to interview you in the comments! I'd be honored.

You are given the choice between:
a)Having one question--i.e. What is the origin of life?--of your choice answered with absolute certainty.
b)Receiving a briefcase with One Million Dollars.
Knowledge or Money?

The Money. No problem. I can live with the ambiguity of life’s origin…actually I prefer it that way. You talked about exploring religions and spirituality and I’m not atheist, I’m not religious (recovering Catholic) but I am spiritual. I belive the life force is in here somewhere.

So gimme the dough. Please (it will make #3 easier).

2. What characteristics(of others) do you absolutely despise?

Arrogance and hypocrisy (which is odd I know coming from an admitted hypocrite) in public office. Those that say they know best for everyone then create disaster upon disaster. Those that perpetrate misery and suffering upon literally millions of people in the name of some moral code that SPECIFICALLY prohibits that kind perpetration. Those that say they represent the public trust then line their pockets and those of their cronies, callously putting innocents in harms way.

3. If you were were told tomorrow you had to choose between the following:

a)You only have one year left to live.
b)You can live for 50 more years in good health if you totally abandon all family and friends--no email, no phone, no visits, nada. Assume you could start a new life in a location of your choice.
Which would you choose and how would you live out the remainder of your days?

I would take “A”. “B” isn’t even close. I would spend my time, and the money from #1 with my S4O, my kids and grandkids and my great friends. Hanging out, traveling and making music. Then I would gladly slough off this mortal coil.

4. If you had to choose between losing your vision or losing your hearing, which would you choose and why?

Vision. I have GOT to be able to hear. Music is my one true overriding passion and comfort and avocation and everything else to me. And equally important...hearing what people say and how they say it, hearing the music in voices…I’d miss my sight terribly (see #5), but I’d miss hearing more.

5. Do you think pornography is degrading to women? Why or why not?

Short answer…No.

Longer answer…compared to the number of women populating the earth, those that work in the sex industry are an infinitesimal percentage. The publicity that the sex image industry receives is absurdly out of proportion simply because it’s easy to point to pictures of naked women and men and say that no moral person could, should or would take their clothes off and fuck in public. And LOOK…they are so bad. And they MUST have been forced to do these awful things. And that’s BAD, too. So YOU are bad for looking at it. And our society is BAD for allowing it and women (and men?) who participate are being degraded by thier participation.

But what about laws restricting women’s rights to choose whether to have a baby or not? Or whether to even get contraception? Or a decent, fair living wage? How is THAT not degrading? Or affordable child care? Or protection from battering spouses or family members? Or protection against rapists? Or protection against harassment in the workplace or in society…and these are just a few of the issues confronting women in THIS country. Do we need to get into things like rape as a weapon in civil conflicts, or ethnic cleansing, or women and children as property with no rights. This stuff effects almost EVERY woman alive almost EVERY SINGLE DAY, and yet I see no moralistic hue and cry over THESE issues. In fact…progressive people usually have to fight tooth and nail to make even the slightest incremental progress.

I suppose I could be accused of arguing “moral equivalence” here, and I tip my hat to the point that porn can be considered part and parcel of an entire "degradation of women" problem; but I would argue that a society that has places and ways for pornography…by that I mean a way for images of nudity and sexual acts between consenting adults (child porn specifically excluded)…to exist and be seen for what they are, and seen by those of an appropriate age to understand what they are looking at, can actually serve as a way to counter the degradation and exploitation of women.

Please don’t feel I am considering you a moralist for asking the question. It is a fair and real question for this and any other time.

And thanks again ms. Nanette!

Cleaning Out the Draft Folder...and Other Ramblings.

2007-03-30T16:06:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna clear out the draft folder here, and I don't know WHY I feel I need to subject anyone to some of this crap...but...I've come to some conclusions about the bloggy world and my place in it, and besides...it's MY blog. So there!

I am so inspired by the people I whose blogs I read, the painful and joyful honesty, the freedom to air out the inner meanderings and passions. Like so many of the others I read, I'm sooooo busted if any of this comes out, but I feel like I need to open up somewhere...I guess this is it. It'll get uglier and prettier (or both at once) as we go along, so take my hand and let's go, shall we?

Mood Swings

I wrote this about a month ago, the date stamp says 2/20/07. I was saving it to post later (or not) but it seems interesting to me now...as in: "Who the hell wrote that anyway?"

So...from out of the misty past...

I am crazy as a shithouse rat today. Oh. My. Gawd.

Got dem 'ol financial blues again, mama. Got the dayam...am I in deep shit with my obsession about internet sex blogs... blues again. Got the...I'm obsessing over "I really want to see my hooker and I am scared shitless about my SO finding out because we're doing so great in and out of the sack"...verse as well. I could write a fucking blues opera here.

Ok, ok. Let's do what we can do.

1) Nose to the grindstone. Stuff is just stuff and I can get back up in fairly short order. A couple months of hard work and moderate luck in my business usually takes care of $$$ problems.
2) I am sprung on people, bloggers, that AREN'T REALLY THERE. How fucked up is that. We of the blogistan go to incredible lengths to disguise who and what we are, creating elaborate alter-egos, doppelgangers and alternate realities...and I get tweaked about this stuff??? Puh-lease.
3) Can't do #3 without #1, buddy. Fact of life. Thoughts on sex with my SSSSO will follow in another post, but suffice it to say right now that we turned...or should I say SHE turned a real corner this weekend. Thing is, trust is involved. Trust that I am taking and playing around with. Dire consequences could, will and really should ensue.

Which head do I really want to think with?

Thanks, virtual pals, I feel better now.

Too Much Sex???

From 2/22/07:

Mother of pearl!!

I never thought I'd get to this but maybe father time is giving me a tap on the shoulder. I AM into middle-age now, I've got the mysterious aches and pains and despite that I have energy and do a LOT of stuff around my art and my business and my kids and friends and all that and I loooove to fuck. I hope that has been firmly established here.

So a combination of lack of sleep (my SSSO is a night owl...she also has rls related sleep problems), a serious financial problem (i.e. self-employed...waiting for a sale), and general business and personal pressures (I have already revealed I am out of my fucking mind...no joke, that)...and my tumid member is more "id" than "tum". That is the brain and the circulation are not "at one". Even with the help of Uncle Pfizer.

Night before last...ok erection, no cum. Last night, a little stiffie...lights out, nobody home. This morning my cock feels well, sensitive...usually I don't feel the cock. It just sits there during the day...no particular awareness one way or the other. Today the feeling is front and center. The surface, the interior (which I don't remember feeling in this way before) and the base of operations...yes!...under THERE. Not in a great way either. Just...weird.

I hope I didn't break it (heh, heh).
(I actually told S4O she broke it. She thought that was funny.)

Here's a pic for HNT.
(4/1/07 THAT hasn't made it yet...coming soon! Al. HOWEVER...who really gives a shit about naked or half-naked GUY pictures. Really. Enquiring minds want to know.)

I'm thinking of trimming down there. How much? I don't know. I'll try to look it up.
(4/1/07 I ended up doing a nice trim...looks and feels great. Ought to try it, guys. I'm gonna shave the balls soon to see what that's like.)

Okey Dokey!

2007-03-30T10:59:00.000-07:00

Looks like everybody's gettin' ready for the weekend and Al is no exception. Except for my job can get kinda 24/7 and I will be working this weekend. That's just ONE of the bullshit reasons I think I can give myself permission to whore or to go to a "attached but looking" site...because I'm under sooooo much stress, and things frustrate me at home, and whaaaa-whaaaa-whaaaa.

Fact is I'm indulgent and I'm sooo sure I'm having a mid-life crisis (ANOTHER crock-o'-shit excuse? Ya' THINK?). And with that kind of airtight logic I can give myself permission to potentially wreck some stuff...actually MY life won't be so wrecked but someone I say I care about deeply will not really be able to understand how someone she thought she knew could...well..lie. I can go forward with another visit to Jenny...the two-girl fantasy...or not...I don't know. Will he, won't he. Hmmmm.

On a lighter note:

Auntie is visiting and really...it's a favorite time of month for me. How could that POSSIBLY be the reader may ask, seeing as how Al is absolutely addicted to S4O's sweet pussy (I mean really really sweet, too). Well...it's like this: I get to tease. And tease I do. Tease, tease, tease, tease, tease. And I get to fuck my little slut's mouth (hat tip to Des and Sir) and get my meaty cock licked and sucked like the aptly named "Blo-Pop". Yum. And I get to whip some tit and spank some bottom and creep close to "forbidden" places (she's very modest) with my fingers, not too close...but close enough so that I can distract her a little and then attack with a few fingers under the ribs or a thumb and forefinger suddenly really TIGHT on a nipple or my mouth HARD on hers my tongue invading and my hand grabbing and gripping a delicious tit and squeezing...all in one swift motion...well coordinated movements, calculated to take mere seconds to elicit a gasp and a groan. I know she wants cock in her pussy after that and I know she knows she's gonna have to wait. So delicious to tease, tease, tease, tease, tease...and tease some more. The best part is when she looks up with the "How can you DO that to me?" look. She gets back an even stare and a sexy smirk, knowingly. "It's easy."

That's what I'M talkin' about.

Al Laddin...The Interview!!!

2007-03-27T00:58:00.000-07:00

(Gawd, I'm weird!)

The Beautiful Ms. Oblivion, from Day In the Life Of Oblivion posted this the other day:

Five Question Interview Meme

I am answering the questions and I am also taking the rules from Cat as is. No need to change a good thing...

The Rules: Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me.” I respond by asking you five personal questions (I will leave these questions for you in my comments) so I can get to know you better. If I already know you well, expect the questions may be a little more intimate! You WILL update your journal/bloggy thing/whatever with the answers to the questions (please don't leave your answers in my comments unless you don't have a blog). You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the post. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Here are the questions Cat asked me...

So I asked to be interviewed and the Beautiful Ms. Oblivion obliged. Here are her questions and my answers. I would love to interview you, too. Just leave your request in the comments!

What made you decide to start blogging?

Politics. Part of me is very political. I was feeling very powerless over events and the type of information I had access to (and the way I felt that information was “slanted”). That was in about 2001-02. I found a few political and/or topical blogs that I felt validated my point of view, supported my beliefs and let me know that there were others like me that were involved and wanting to agitate for change. Later I started my own political blog (which maybe had two or three readers, lol) and I participated actively in the comments on a VERRRY lively local political blog (LOTS of divergent views, reasoned and unreasoned arguments and juvenile name calling).

I am still passionate about politics (for reasons of equity, equality, Social and Economic justice) and a lot of the really awful polarization saddens and drains me. So I decided…after deeply deliberating for about oh…five minutes(!?) that I’d blog about sex and relationships instead. I suppose I know as much about that as most, less than some, more than others.

I guess I’m also somewhat of an exhibitionist, baring my thoughts and stories and secret confessional stuff that I really hope nobody I know, and/or particularly one or two people won’t see.

Name one thing you are passionate about and why.

We don’t usually treat ourselves very well…so we sometimes have trouble treating the others in our lives well. We get treated crappy or have awful things happen to us at random or at the hands of others and we take it out on the folks around us sometimes.

I’m an old (cynical nowadays, though) hippie. Love doesn’t cure EVERYTHING, but if we loved ourselves and others more and/or better, LEARNED how to love ourselves and others better, and were just KIND to one another…I think this would be a much better place. Don’t you? I feel for you in your situation, for example (I was in a similar spot once), because you clearly don’t deserve what you’re getting, but the doof doesn’t seem to know any better…and he’s losing you for it.

3. If you care to share (please :) ) Where did you grow up and did you like it? (do you like how I get two questions in one?)

You’re a clever one dearest Ob! OK. I grew up in the middle of a grand old neighborhood in a great city in the Northwestern US, and just LOVED it. Then my folks did the white flight thing to the ‘burbs. I HATED it and I went sideways with drugs and rock’n’roll. Not enough sex, though. I’m making up for that now.

4. What kind of music do you enjoy listening to?

Blues, Jazz, Country, Classical, Old Rock, New Rock, Red Rock Blue Rock! I play an instrument and got to make a living as an itinerant bar musician. I loved that life. I just LOVED it. I still play as much as I can and listen to everything all the time.

5. Name one thing you wish you could do over or one thing you wish you could take back.

I’ve been fretting about this one all day. I’m middle-aged so there are many, many thousands of gallons gone over the spill-way. Oh shoot…here goes nuthin'.

As much as I love S4O, and I DO so love her, I wish sometimes I hadn’t married again...not because of her (my Gawd, no), just because. My kids were closer to being gone and I was done with the full time (single) Dad thing. So that’s my take back.

The do-over is with my daughter from the Ex's first marriage who grew up with me. She got lousy, lousy, lousy parenting while her Mom and I were fucked-up over the Ex’s drinking and associated bad stuff. The daughter lives close now is doing really well and I get to help her like I couldn’t then, but I screwed that one up pretty good. I’d like to do that one over.

Long-winded sucker aren't I?

Thanks Ms. Oblivion for the opportunity. You need to take over for Couric. You are SOOOO much better as an interviewer and sexier too!

She's The One

2007-03-03T17:14:00.000-08:00

I am SSSSO's husband. And there is no doubt that I am her guy and that she (unfortunately for her) worships the quicksand I walk on.

For our purposes here she is the "Super Sweet Sexy Significant Other", because she has GOT to be the sweetest person God or Goddess ever created.

Super Sweet. A girl's girl. I love to see her with the daughters, or other gals; laughing, talking, sparkling like she does, and she DOES sparkle. Me, ever the pervert, would love to see her with another girl...sparking. Sigh...maybe someday.

She IS sexy. Not tall, not lithe, quite curvy...she wears her motherhood well. She has her own brood, and she has taken on mine as well. She just has this guileless Mid-Western "Sexy-As-Hell" in a casual, non-commercial way look about her. And when she is feelin' it...the naughtyness...the sort of in spite of herself at first kind of naughty...then the come-on, a little resistance, which just crumbles when she gets to the "yummmm" of the naughty. Damn. She is cute AS HELL when she gets going.

Desireous' "Sir" had a dead (I guess) blog or comment or something about turning good girls naughty.

I did that. See how ashamed I am? See? See?

How about S4O for short? That'll work, won't it?

Those Thrilling Days of Yesteryear!!

2007-03-03T13:31:00.000-08:00

Update:

Dang!

I originally wrote this post 2/20. How time flies when one is out of control.

My new ATF blog is How About Now! Apparently I am not alone; Mandymania is sweeping Sex- Blogistan and why not? She's sweet, she's smart (very) and she's Super Duper Sexy!!!...not trying to be a smartass, gang, just reaching for a superlative...waaay out of Ol' Al's league...but this man does love to dream!

Anyway, the lovely Mandy and her (equally lovely, I'm sure) pal "PowerGirl" went to see the artist known as "Folk Rocker". Now in another lifetime, actually about five or SIX lifetimes ago, Ol' Al was a travelling musician. Not renowned, not too well travelled but I had the privilege of making a living by working a musical instrument and singing the hits of the day six nights a week from 9pm to 1:30am at your favorite hot spot.

The narrative of that adventure sent Homey G here back to sweet days of yore:

Hey Mandy-

Gawd…I wish I was Folk Rocker.

I ALWAYS wished I was FR, or even the guitar player.

I was the bass player (really). Off to the side, off to myself…literally and figuratively. Just off.

I was in Colorado Springs for a month playing at the Black Angus Restaurant (THE Hot! Spot!). It was beautiful country, of course. One of the great things about being on the road in those days, the 1970-80’s, we stayed for two weeks…one, two months maybe. Got time to get to know people and places. I fell HARD for the cutest girl…small (in a GREAT way), brunette (always my fave), sweet, SMART, and “Complicated” (remind you of anyone?!). She swam. Her chosen one was the swimmer. Lean, lithe with longish brown hair. She’d come to see me and hope would spring anew, but I left with the most broken of hearts. Sue N. We both had Czech ancestry. I thought it was a sign. I thought anything was a sign.

I also was bedding a wiry, intense, sweaty (not in a bad way…her skin just got moist), blond girl from New York who had a couple kids and was sprung on ME, the poor dear. I thought drinking Black Velvet in my coffee in the morning would eventually induce me to write like Dashiell Hammett or Raymond Chandler (what it did was almost turn me into Kenneth Millar…but without the writing ability). She told me I was going to become an Alcoholic and she was right…I’m 20 years clean and sober this year…and after I moved to Santa Barbara we fucked some more and she eventually got tired of my callow, druggy self importance and moved on. My loss.

Thanks for your post. Your writing is great. Thanks also for the “memory jog”.

Cheers, Al

Bad Bloggy Buddy...Bad!!!

2007-03-02T20:56:00.000-08:00

Busy, BUSY, busy.

So I have to work...I'm actually going to ramp up my efforts so I can indulge myself in the new and enhanced "hobbies". Unfortunately this "sexy" hobby is expensive, really whether I go at it with my SSSSO or not.

Got some posts saved up, and I'm gonna let em go here in a minute.

Blogs Cum...Blogs Go: Bye Des! I Miss You!!!

2007-02-25T15:25:00.000-08:00

So we really never know who is on the other side of the keyboard, and sex blogs are ripe for creation out of whole cloth. Heck, I may be 75 years old...or 14...but I'm not. Point is, I can be what I want to be or think I want to be and write anything I want if I can make it sound convincing. I could try to be a 31 year old escort in Atlanta...or a male prostitute in St. Louis...and I'm not, but how do YOU know?

So we lost one of MY ATF's, Desireous is gone.

Wow. I always thought Des was a pro writer. Her writing was so top-notch, easily the prime caliber erotic fiction (or Non-) I can think of in any genre. Her stories of desire, anticipation and erotic fulfillment were really inspiring to me...and really got me to understand the "cock-loving" mindset.

What do I mean? Well, she would describe, in scrumptious detail the look and feel of the cock, the taste...the way the tongue felt sliding on and around the cock...I honestly had not thought about the act in that kind if detail. I wouldn't, of course, having never had a desire to suck cock (although, dearest reader, Ol'Al is gettin' a little CURIOUS...usually curiosity for this cowboy leads to action. Hmmmmm).

And the TALK!!!!! I lifted my style of dirty talk right offa Des. My SSSO get's a full dose now of how Sir used to talk to his little slut. Once I got comfy with it...I went to town! Now I love to dirty talk MY OWN little slut while she's playing with Al Laddin's Majik Shaft. I talk and she sucks and licks and we are all on our Majik Carpet Ride. Yummm.

Who-EVER that guy was that she was sucking and fucking was one freakin' LUCKY Son-of-a-Bitch. Damn. I'll miss that girl...or whoever.

Thanks Des. I love you. I miss you.

I Just Moved The Furniture Around!

2007-02-23T13:59:00.000-08:00

I gripe and grumble about Blogger, but I just got done re-coloring and adding some stuff to the place and it was easy and I think it looks better.

I like it.

I'm Trying To Keep Up.

2007-02-23T13:09:00.000-08:00

I made a committment to my self to be a good little blogmeister and it can be a little much sometimes. Especially since this is a clandestine operation. Will the SSSO get to know about this??? NOT on your sweet life. If I ever disappear suddenly that'll be reason #1...or more likely...actually not, 'cause I'll be single again probably whether I want to be or not (and I decidedly do not...I just want "experiences"). I wonder how many of us are in that spot with their blog? I think I know a few.

Anyway, I feel like I want to like wait for a few hours or a day or so before posting what I've just written...not that it's permanent or anything but it's just that I want to say something, say it the way I mean it, and not just pop off with some stupid bullshit (which I'll do anyway, for sure).

Sooooo, I've got some stuff saved up here waiting, just waiting to be foist upon ye unwitting masses. (cue the teeming crowds) (OT...I heard that in the old days on movie sets the extras were told to murmer "Rhubarb" over and over to simulate crowds sounds. More bloggy goodness from yer pal, Al.)

BTW- I just broke my new little rule. C'est la vie!

What About It?

2007-02-19T18:38:00.000-08:00

Good question for me, in a rhetorical sense.

I am getting a feeling of shape and where I want to go with this. Definitely the beginning of some kind of journey.

I am on the verge of a "growth spurt". I don't think I've had one like this for a long time and I must say it's way over due. I have been stagnant and wallowing...or is/was there something of a fermenting process taking place. I guess I'll find out.

The sex with the Super Sweet Significant Other took and exciting turn. Wow. Wife is emerging sexually. Women have such sexual power. And she can be the erotic power center of this relationship. I have the honor of working the machinery and have been given charge of plotting the course (so far, at least...I'm starting to wonder about that one. Hmmmmmm).

So here we go.

I Love The Blogs!

2007-02-16T22:12:00.000-08:00

I just spent a good couple hours transferring the sexy sexy bolgs that I like over to my secure location.

I just love sex, I love sexy people, and I love to read what the write about themselves and their experiences.

I wasn't always so comfortable in my sexuality. I spent decades being repressed, depressed, obsessed and surpressed. Cripes...what an awful existence. But a couple things happened. I got a divorce. At the time it was the absolute worst thing I could think of. Now I know how enslaved I was then and how liberating it was and is to be free. We have kids together and I can see her now with no remorse or recrimination or anything. NOT AT ALL how I felt then.

The second thing was vitamin v. I don't care whether I had a brain problem or a plumbing problem...I had trouble with my cock and your pussy all my life. With and without the S.O., sometimes I was comfortable and got the schwerve on and sometimes not. Now...it won't work if I'm really tired, or sometimes when I fill up on greasy food.

I love to fuck. My sweet little slut (she was pretty innocent when I got hold of her...now...she IS quite the little slut. yummmmm) loves to fuck too and we do a lot. Middle age sexy sex.

The Waiting Is The Hardest Part.

2007-02-12T14:37:00.000-08:00

So I emailed my local "provider" that I'd be scheduling soon. I'm sure she went "Yippee! Finally! I thought he'd NEVER come(sp) back!"

Yeah, right.

At least when I book I show. And I have a good connection. My gal is a real pro a GREAT looker, well regarded in the community and a nice person and I wouldn't want to be chintzy or chiselly or anything.

I would err (if that's appropriate in this context) to the generous side. Esp if my person was respectful of my time and hers and well...professional (in this context...a great fuck...which she is).

A new escort blog I read had a post about this very thing. She felt she had a "special" connection with a fella and it ended up being a little less than that by the way he treated her. Two sides to every story but...I think I like her a lot better than him. I was really going to riff on a whole:

"I got $$$ and and looks and game and I can fuck anybody, amateur OR Pro...and I'm good-looking, smart , clean, sensitive. I can't HELP it if these girls just get sprung over my immaculate ass. That DOES NOT mean any BODY is going to get over on me. "

That's what I would have written had I wrote something like that.

I see shit like that on the boards all the time. "That damn whore ain't gonna get ONE MORE DIME from me than what she deserves. " One dumbshit had a price limit. If a girl wouldn't see him for $xxx he would just go elsewhere. Harummmmmph!

So Okay...there are rob's, time wasters, no sho's and jerks on both sides. But there are a lot of folks who just want to get off, and just want to get paid (and get off too, maybe).

May it ever be so.

More about An-tissssss-i-pppppay...shun next time.

I Read The Boards

2007-02-10T17:28:00.000-08:00

"Escort" boards, that is.

I look for controversy. I read for personality. I got busted a while ago by my dear SO and she asked me why I read them. "Because it's fun!" I said. So it is.

Entertaining.

And completely fabricated and fictitious. Delightfully so actually. Unless it's not.

Snarkilicious!

Cont'd.

2007-02-08T17:38:00.000-08:00

A real piece of work here...me, that is.

Anyway...I was a kind of a pussy about it. I convinced myself it was going to be FBST. A nice rationalization I used...and gee, it'll be CHEAPER and not REALLY cheating.

Yeah, right.

So I get there...the suburban incall. I felt like the guy in "Deacon Blues" "crawling like a viper through these suburban streets." 'Cept she was neither languid nor bittersweet. I had seen her provide a more "public" type of service, one for an audience. I have yet to see a person more comfortable with herself. Her energy level was high...she was engaged. I was scared shitless.

But I started getting my "massage". It was an OK massage, clearly not her forte. We talked about stuff...I heard a story about someone's childhood, it may have been hers. Actually there was a reason I wanted to book her. There is a wholesomeness in "Jenny" (not a real name of course...never real names here. Maybe not real stories. Maybe just "realistic" stories...or not) that hasn't been beaten out of her by her business. Tough? No doubt. Tough minded? More than me, for sure...but there was a tenderness and an empathy, too. My projection? Ya' think?

Anyway...then the tug with the hand around my ribcage signaling "the flip". Bodysurfing, teasing with wonderful tits (she has a smokin' body), on with the cover (by mouth, natch), then great cbj and she moved from perpendicular to me to straddling me with her covered kitty in my face.

She is VERY athletic...it's a trademark of her service (and well known in this community). I wonder if she was into gymnastics at one time. Would have been too tall to pursue it...but she HAS talent. Maybe she practices hatha yoga now....but I digress...she does a somersault(!) to flip off me and at the same time peels off the thong. A complicated maneuver requiring impressive coordination and muscle control.

Really a fine show.

I Guess I Am Bad.

2007-02-07T17:40:00.000-08:00

Yup.

Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.

I was curious, so I booked time with a "provider."

Did I say I was married?

Happily?

Man-n-n-n.

Why? Curiosity. Danger. Excitement.

The things that make a blog a blog.

An...tissssss...i...pay-shun! (As in "I see you quiver with...")

Wanting to be bad. Mid-life crisis. Shit I don't know. I might do it again. She was nice. A real pro, she was.

Now I'm WRITING about it.

Yeah, I know.

2007-02-06T18:24:00.000-08:00

There's nothing here. No "here" "here", as it were.

There, there.
(enough with the crappy puns already)

So we're supposed to get off on a good foot and that's fucked up so I guess I'll just do what I was gonna do and get some stuff from another blog (that's closing...I didn't like the name or the vibe).

I read a lot of blogs, I like the really personal ones, the ones about relationships and sex.

Mostly the ones about sex.

There are some terrific sexers and writers out there.