It's Not That I Don't...

...have anything to say, I just haven't been able to say it.

I don't think I'm going to get to get back with S4O. I don't know that I can. You see, I lied. I cheated on her with "Jenny", I knew I was going to do it, and I did it. I got hooked on "escort boards" and swore I was only a voyeur. Nahhh...I was plotting. I got caught being on some other kinky dating boards and although I didn't get anywhere with them, I probably would have if I could have. And I came up with the lamest of lame lies (are there any other kind?) to wiggle out of the scrutiny I was under.

There was quite a spirited discussion of "moral code" on some other blogs a while ago. Well my moral code got pretty A-moral pretty fast.

Liar and Cheat. That would be how S4O would see it if and or when she finds/found out. She don't roll that way...she doesn't cop to a lot of moral ambiguity, or any really...although she manifests plenty (but I judge no man) and I really didn't see myself that way either (morally ambiguous or even amoral) until I got a real look...and I had to get out on my own to do it.

I was asked by a commenter what happened to the marriage, and I didn't really answer, but if anyone is interested I'll answer now.

Sure a lot of it was about the kids, and the lack of privacy when S4O and I were fucking. And her son always (ALWAYS!) disliked and resented me for taking his mother away from him. Also as we settled in to our relationship...which started online and was conducted mostly long distance (the courtship part) and then resulted with her and two of her four kids moving to another State to be with me and to live with me and my two kids (THAT part actually worked out)...we grew well together and then stuff started coming up.

Caution...CAUTION...online lovers. There really IS more to the person when it turns into 24/7.

So yeah, some things were tough. And I could deal with the presence of someone who obviously detested me (her youngest son) less and less. And the general aimlessness and lack of organization and discipline and the sleep problems and the drama/trauma that followed those guys (and her ) around got to me. Call me weak, intolerant, or whatever you want but I didn't want to live that way anymore and the good stuff we had, the wonderful sex life and pretty good companionship (and even THAT was getting undermined by the Kid...she couldn't/wouldn't go places with me anymore 'cause she had to cater to his little whims. I finally stopped asking.) got overwhelmed by the powerful feelings that I DID NOT HAVE A PLACE IN THAT HOME ANYMORE. That I was pushed out...any space I had was overrun by the kid and that/their energy and I had no place to rest, relax, recharge, recenter, and love and live...whatever.

And the shit started coming out sideways. I would have cheated...with a real person, not "just" a hooker. I know I would have. I was getting sicker and sicker and believe me folks I know how to do sick, and sick behavior. FUCK! I had to leave. I was afraid that I was killing my spirit.

So the bright light of realization is raining on me. I am starting to see what and who I am right now...what I became and how it squares with who and what I think I am and who and what I think (and say) I want to be.

And I miss S4O. Every day. And I don't miss living there at that house with all of them and I don't miss a lot about living with her and maybe that will change and maybe it won't and maybe we'll get back together (stranger things HAVE happened, I hear) and maybe we won't and maybe she'll tell the little shit that he has to work things out with ME (Al) "Mano a' Mano" because she married ME (Al), married me for a reason...and I (Al) will be around (hopefully) after the kid is gone. "So Son, you're just going to have to deal with it." But she didn't. She put herself in between the two of us and it froze me out.

I'm sad right now...better than I was before I started writing (as usual...and thanks, guys), but sad none the less. I'm going to go through the feelings...I wasn't feeling ANYTHING for a while and stuffing it all into my body (like usual) and I can't and won't live that way anymore.

When I'm emotional, I go to the music...and I have a very favorite Elvis Presley song and it is a very sad song...and a beautiful song too...well written, well played, exceptionally well performed by the "Man" at the top of his game. So cry along with Al, kids...or not. But I'm just going through this shit now. Life. No more no less. Kick the shit out of me (figuratively I hope) if you have to, but this is the way it is.




P.S. I have a date this afternoon. Just gotta get back on the horse, ya' know?

Jenny - A Dangerous Liason...

...a friend of mine confessed to me a long time ago that he hired girls to fuck. He had some stories too, about when he was really drunk and coked up and getting tied up at knife point...erotic or felonious...who knows. I haven't brought that up since.

So a while ago the same guy and I were talking about financial stuff and he mentioned that he had a big credit card bill to work off. I asked what it was from. He doesn't drink or drug anymore, hasn't for some time. he likes to travel, and I thought maybe that was it, but he said no, it was because that year he had spent $10,000 (actually probably more) on escorts.

I was floored. I had been reading the escort review boards by that time and I quickly calculated that he really was going to town with the gals and I said so, expecting him to get a little sheepish and say what a great time he had.

Well beside the fact that he's not the light hearted, easy going type he was somewhat rueful about the whole thing. When I asked who his regular was he told me (I knew who she was) and he said she was a "nut" and I couldn't tell if that was a pejorative or not. Then I said I'd like to "consort" sometime (I had not done so yet) and he said, rather emphatically, don't do it. He didn't amplify on the comment and I didn't press the issue. As time passed I would ask and he would tell me whether he had or not (he was working on NOT "using a girl") and we would discuss the matter with as little judgement as possible. Still his comment struck me.

So this week I had a date with the redoubtable Jenny. She is well known, well reviewed and REALLY good at what she does by all accounts including now, mine.

Now I have all this messy, crappy, exhilarating and depressing stuff going on in my personal life and when I moved out of my house, away from my (soon to be I guess ex-) wife, into my own apartment I was filled with rebellious energy so I booked Jenny, asking her to be my celebratory playperson. She agreed and as the date was more than a month out, life went on.

In the meantime, I popped the cherry on my apartment with the aforementioned "girl who was a nice lay" (my, my, my...such crass talk) and I hired my "companion" after the brutal week, so the bloom had faded a little and I thought about calling the appointment off, but really guys...do YOU think 'Ol Al would really DO something like that? Well???

Those of you who muttered "No fucking way" are right. No way was I missing a date with a loverly girl who was going to happily take her clothes off for me and energetically turn me out. No Effing Way.

So the day of the date arrived and even though I wanted to have an easy day and relax before the "date", I was running around and busy just about up to the minute of Jenny's arrival. I had booked a multi-hour appointment. My first experience with her had been anxiety ridden for a number of reasons...really I was scared shitless...and although it was not a disaster, I didn't have the greatest time. Not her fault. She worked hard to get my motor started but to not much avail.

So the date was to consist of dinner (nice local steakhouse "On me and on the clock" I had explained), and some relaxed play.

I wish I could say it went well. If it only went well it would not be the problem I can see it becoming.

Cont'd.

A real piece of work here...me, that is.

Anyway...I was a kind of a pussy about it. I convinced myself it was going to be FBST. A nice rationalization I used...and gee, it'll be CHEAPER and not REALLY cheating.

Yeah, right.

So I get there...the suburban incall. I felt like the guy in "Deacon Blues" "crawling like a viper through these suburban streets." 'Cept she was neither languid nor bittersweet. I had seen her provide a more "public" type of service, one for an audience. I have yet to see a person more comfortable with herself. Her energy level was high...she was engaged. I was scared shitless.

But I started getting my "massage". It was an OK massage, clearly not her forte. We talked about stuff...I heard a story about someone's childhood, it may have been hers. Actually there was a reason I wanted to book her. There is a wholesomeness in "Jenny" (not a real name of course...never real names here. Maybe not real stories. Maybe just "realistic" stories...or not) that hasn't been beaten out of her by her business. Tough? No doubt. Tough minded? More than me, for sure...but there was a tenderness and an empathy, too. My projection? Ya' think?

Anyway...then the tug with the hand around my ribcage signaling "the flip". Bodysurfing, teasing with wonderful tits (she has a smokin' body), on with the cover (by mouth, natch), then great cbj and she moved from perpendicular to me to straddling me with her covered kitty in my face.

She is VERY athletic...it's a trademark of her service (and well known in this community). I wonder if she was into gymnastics at one time. Would have been too tall to pursue it...but she HAS talent. Maybe she practices hatha yoga now....but I digress...she does a somersault(!) to flip off me and at the same time peels off the thong. A complicated maneuver requiring impressive coordination and muscle control.

Really a fine show.