In For A Penny...

...in for a pound.

Or in my case...ALL in.

I am tired...and sad and apprehensive (I'm changing offices...nothing like shaking EVERYTHING up) and I'm trying to work out the rest of the "Jenny" story. Thanks for your patience.

And I miss S4O. Very much. I wonder if I should go to her and at least put it out there that I miss her terribly and could she consider getting back together somehow. I don't know. Unlike a lot of blogs I read...we, she and I, got along great. Better than great, actually. I don't know.

Later guys. I'm too tired to ponder the big questions right now. They'll keep until tomorrow I'm sure.

Jenny - A Dangerous Liason...

...a friend of mine confessed to me a long time ago that he hired girls to fuck. He had some stories too, about when he was really drunk and coked up and getting tied up at knife point...erotic or felonious...who knows. I haven't brought that up since.

So a while ago the same guy and I were talking about financial stuff and he mentioned that he had a big credit card bill to work off. I asked what it was from. He doesn't drink or drug anymore, hasn't for some time. he likes to travel, and I thought maybe that was it, but he said no, it was because that year he had spent $10,000 (actually probably more) on escorts.

I was floored. I had been reading the escort review boards by that time and I quickly calculated that he really was going to town with the gals and I said so, expecting him to get a little sheepish and say what a great time he had.

Well beside the fact that he's not the light hearted, easy going type he was somewhat rueful about the whole thing. When I asked who his regular was he told me (I knew who she was) and he said she was a "nut" and I couldn't tell if that was a pejorative or not. Then I said I'd like to "consort" sometime (I had not done so yet) and he said, rather emphatically, don't do it. He didn't amplify on the comment and I didn't press the issue. As time passed I would ask and he would tell me whether he had or not (he was working on NOT "using a girl") and we would discuss the matter with as little judgement as possible. Still his comment struck me.

So this week I had a date with the redoubtable Jenny. She is well known, well reviewed and REALLY good at what she does by all accounts including now, mine.

Now I have all this messy, crappy, exhilarating and depressing stuff going on in my personal life and when I moved out of my house, away from my (soon to be I guess ex-) wife, into my own apartment I was filled with rebellious energy so I booked Jenny, asking her to be my celebratory playperson. She agreed and as the date was more than a month out, life went on.

In the meantime, I popped the cherry on my apartment with the aforementioned "girl who was a nice lay" (my, my, my...such crass talk) and I hired my "companion" after the brutal week, so the bloom had faded a little and I thought about calling the appointment off, but really guys...do YOU think 'Ol Al would really DO something like that? Well???

Those of you who muttered "No fucking way" are right. No way was I missing a date with a loverly girl who was going to happily take her clothes off for me and energetically turn me out. No Effing Way.

So the day of the date arrived and even though I wanted to have an easy day and relax before the "date", I was running around and busy just about up to the minute of Jenny's arrival. I had booked a multi-hour appointment. My first experience with her had been anxiety ridden for a number of reasons...really I was scared shitless...and although it was not a disaster, I didn't have the greatest time. Not her fault. She worked hard to get my motor started but to not much avail.

So the date was to consist of dinner (nice local steakhouse "On me and on the clock" I had explained), and some relaxed play.

I wish I could say it went well. If it only went well it would not be the problem I can see it becoming.

Happy HNT!!!!

So here he is...Al Laddin with his FIRST HNT!!!

35 pounds lighter, Ol' Al is sporting his rock-star "Lucky" Brand jeans (there's an outlet store nearby).

LOOK OUT!! HE'S AFTER SOME GILFs!!!!!

When I'm Sad...

...I listen to Bill Evans.

You can too...here,

and especially HERE.

How You Know It's Over...

...is when you get together for a "talk". I asked how she was doing earlier in the day and she said "Not good. " I miss her terribly, and I won't move back into the house with the kids. It's a tough spot. I suggested we get together.

So we met at a local place.

I wish I could say it all went great after that. OK, I'll say it. And I'll be a big fat lying bastard for doing it.

Nope it went shitty. It sucked. It's over.

I got there and she was nursing a Baily's/ ice. Bad sign. She ONLY drinks when she's beyond upset. I got to hear about work and this and that and I was just about ready to bolt...leave my food that I was picking at (after I said "I miss you terribly").

Then she got this fakey conspiratorial look and said "So tell me everything that went wrong"...like I really fucking would. Like I would tell her all the little stuff that would bug me once or twice (well maybe three) times a month...until I caught a glimpse of her looking precious when she couldn't see me. Like even the bigger stuff that I could blow off because even that was just too small to fuck with when I held her or kissed her or reached around and spread her cheeks and tickled her pussy and her bottom when we were laying face to face...starting to fuck.

Geez. So I talked about...her kid. How as much as I tried...I was always the "alien" the jerk who was fucking his mother. Then we spent some time with her reactions to some of my uhhh...diversions. "Here's Al Laddin from Anytown, Bob, he's 56 years old, a healthy male and something you may not know about him is he's into porn and kink..."

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Sheee-it.

Yes...I hurt My Girl, and she hurt me too. We had a couple knock down drag outs about the viewing and I was accused of being really stupid for marrying the woman I loved instead of the girls I SOMETIMES liked to look at, although she had no problem with the extra-curricular activities shall we say "one on one". So I got to be appropriately chastened and whatever.

I broached the subject of "live apart/ stay together", she said no dice so that's that.

I guess it all hit me today...again...I'd had some reactions lately, but I got a good great dose of "Awwww Fuck" today. Sorry about the "too much information" but I'm sort of beyond caring about sensibility right now and if you're offended....I'll put it in a fourth step and make amends later. Right now...I want to eat five bags of cheap jelly beans...I want to stay up 'till four looking at porn sites, I want a forget it fuck, I want to do anything but blow my sobriety....I'm just gonna go to sleep.

And I loaded up the stereo and my cd's and brought 'em over today.

Yeah...I Need To Write...

Man it has been a ride since April 5th, and then April 14th when Al got his little pad, and then to now. I feel like I need to get this out and move on...move out into my new world and be who I'm becoming. The beautiful (I am CHEWING on my knuckles as I look at this...I mean LOOK. AT. THIS.) Oblivion posted some bullet points, and right now I think that's a good idea too.

So I made a french press (it's 12:30 AM here-I must be insayne)...and took my shower...and I'm gonna write a while (thank you secrets, for getting me off my butt), then get a little freak on so I can cum so I can go to sleep. Typical guy, huh. So here goes...from the upper left of the US, in a sort of furniture-less apt., for a while at least...

So in the last month and a half I have...

• Left my wife of five years with whom I was very much in love.
• Moved into a nifty one bedroom (built in '56 with real wood...still varnished!) apartment.
• Felt REALLY bad about feeling REALLY good...that I left. That I got out of somewhere I felt was dangerous to my spirit.
• Visited my therapist from my first divorce eleven years ago. He thinks my reasoning is faulty, I think. Fuck Him.
• Got an amazing Tarot Card reading. Wow. I love the cards and I think they tell me things I need to hear. I needed to hear this. Wow (more later).
• Saw a Pro-Domme. Yep...that's right. Kinda-sorta vanilla (for that), she was testing me to see where I was at, and I didn't get close to my limit. I'm going back. With a plan (ouch!).
• Had a brutal work week with four artist jobss in three days to top it all off. Got to pay for my fun, though. The two in one day were 200 miles apart, and I...
• ...hired a "companion" for after that last one. Unfortunately, I was "too pooped to pop" ( I always wondered what that meant...now I know). She did say something cute...she was holding my cock and said "You can do some damage with that...some happy damage." I blushed.
• Went to karaoke for the first time in YEARS...it was a local "providers'" meet and greet. THAT was a trip!
• Fucked a girl at the nifty new bachelor pad...after a nice dinner and a great night of heavy flirting. Yummmmm. She IS lovely and a good lay. She was shown a fine time. At least it looked that way to me. More to THAT story too.
• Then...a Carnival...a carnal Carnival of Kink. I got played with with the electric toys. I got my nipples (temporarily) pierced. I got high on the pain.

So other than that...it's been a little lonely and a little boring.

Not (well, a little sometimes, and I miss S4O).

Stories to tell, stories to tell. Man...it's good to be alive!

P.S. I'm hooking up with Jenny...and maybe a friend. Hmmmmmmm.