...is when you get together for a "talk". I asked how she was doing earlier in the day and she said "Not good. " I miss her terribly, and I won't move back into the house with the kids. It's a tough spot. I suggested we get together.
I wish I could say it all went great after that. OK, I'll say it. And I'll be a big fat lying bastard for doing it.
Nope it went shitty. It sucked. It's over.
I got there and she was nursing a Baily's/ ice. Bad sign. She ONLY drinks when she's beyond upset. I got to hear about work and this and that and I was just about ready to bolt...leave my food that I was picking at (after I said "I miss you terribly").
Then she got this fakey conspiratorial look and said "So tell me everything that went wrong"...like I really fucking would. Like I would tell her all the little stuff that would bug me once or twice (well maybe three) times a month...until I caught a glimpse of her looking precious when she couldn't see me. Like even the bigger stuff that I could blow off because even that was just too small to fuck with when I held her or kissed her or reached around and spread her cheeks and tickled her pussy and her bottom when we were laying face to face...starting to fuck.
Geez. So I talked about...her kid. How as much as I tried...I was always the "alien" the jerk who was fucking his mother. Then we spent some time with her reactions to some of my uhhh...diversions. "Here's Al Laddin from Anytown, Bob, he's 56 years old, a healthy male and something you may not know about him is he's into porn and kink..."
Yes...I hurt My Girl, and she hurt me too. We had a couple knock down drag outs about the viewing and I was accused of being really stupid for marrying the woman I loved instead of the girls I SOMETIMES liked to look at, although she had no problem with the extra-curricular activities shall we say "one on one". So I got to be appropriately chastened and whatever.
I broached the subject of "live apart/ stay together", she said no dice so that's that.
I guess it all hit me today...again...I'd had some reactions lately, but I got a good great dose of "Awwww Fuck" today. Sorry about the "too much information" but I'm sort of beyond caring about sensibility right now and if you're offended....I'll put it in a fourth step and make amends later. Right now...I want to eat five bags of cheap jelly beans...I want to stay up 'till four looking at porn sites, I want a forget it fuck, I want to do anything but blow my sobriety....I'm just gonna go to sleep.
And I loaded up the stereo and my cd's and brought 'em over today.