Damn It's...

...been a long time since I posted. There's a lot of folks that are posting slow these days. Maybe it's the summer, lots of things for us all to do, and let's face it...life is just busy. Really busy.

So yeah...I've been really busy. I was going over my schedule for one week, one week with a friend and he remarked that I seemed to be making myself insanely busy so that I didn't have to think aabout the pain I was going through.

True that, as they say.

I'm gonna have to cut some stuff loose and throttle back. There IS such a thing as too busy. Besides, I'm getting really tired. A lot of fatigue is from the upset and stress. S4O and I have exchanged pretty much "final" notes to each other and this chapter is over. Whether we reconcile sometime in the future...well never say never, right? Still I've been sad and pretty insane for the last month or so.

Breaking up really sucks.

It's Not That I Don't...

...have anything to say, I just haven't been able to say it.

I don't think I'm going to get to get back with S4O. I don't know that I can. You see, I lied. I cheated on her with "Jenny", I knew I was going to do it, and I did it. I got hooked on "escort boards" and swore I was only a voyeur. Nahhh...I was plotting. I got caught being on some other kinky dating boards and although I didn't get anywhere with them, I probably would have if I could have. And I came up with the lamest of lame lies (are there any other kind?) to wiggle out of the scrutiny I was under.

There was quite a spirited discussion of "moral code" on some other blogs a while ago. Well my moral code got pretty A-moral pretty fast.

Liar and Cheat. That would be how S4O would see it if and or when she finds/found out. She don't roll that way...she doesn't cop to a lot of moral ambiguity, or any really...although she manifests plenty (but I judge no man) and I really didn't see myself that way either (morally ambiguous or even amoral) until I got a real look...and I had to get out on my own to do it.

I was asked by a commenter what happened to the marriage, and I didn't really answer, but if anyone is interested I'll answer now.

Sure a lot of it was about the kids, and the lack of privacy when S4O and I were fucking. And her son always (ALWAYS!) disliked and resented me for taking his mother away from him. Also as we settled in to our relationship...which started online and was conducted mostly long distance (the courtship part) and then resulted with her and two of her four kids moving to another State to be with me and to live with me and my two kids (THAT part actually worked out)...we grew well together and then stuff started coming up.

Caution...CAUTION...online lovers. There really IS more to the person when it turns into 24/7.

So yeah, some things were tough. And I could deal with the presence of someone who obviously detested me (her youngest son) less and less. And the general aimlessness and lack of organization and discipline and the sleep problems and the drama/trauma that followed those guys (and her ) around got to me. Call me weak, intolerant, or whatever you want but I didn't want to live that way anymore and the good stuff we had, the wonderful sex life and pretty good companionship (and even THAT was getting undermined by the Kid...she couldn't/wouldn't go places with me anymore 'cause she had to cater to his little whims. I finally stopped asking.) got overwhelmed by the powerful feelings that I DID NOT HAVE A PLACE IN THAT HOME ANYMORE. That I was pushed out...any space I had was overrun by the kid and that/their energy and I had no place to rest, relax, recharge, recenter, and love and live...whatever.

And the shit started coming out sideways. I would have cheated...with a real person, not "just" a hooker. I know I would have. I was getting sicker and sicker and believe me folks I know how to do sick, and sick behavior. FUCK! I had to leave. I was afraid that I was killing my spirit.

So the bright light of realization is raining on me. I am starting to see what and who I am right now...what I became and how it squares with who and what I think I am and who and what I think (and say) I want to be.

And I miss S4O. Every day. And I don't miss living there at that house with all of them and I don't miss a lot about living with her and maybe that will change and maybe it won't and maybe we'll get back together (stranger things HAVE happened, I hear) and maybe we won't and maybe she'll tell the little shit that he has to work things out with ME (Al) "Mano a' Mano" because she married ME (Al), married me for a reason...and I (Al) will be around (hopefully) after the kid is gone. "So Son, you're just going to have to deal with it." But she didn't. She put herself in between the two of us and it froze me out.

I'm sad right now...better than I was before I started writing (as usual...and thanks, guys), but sad none the less. I'm going to go through the feelings...I wasn't feeling ANYTHING for a while and stuffing it all into my body (like usual) and I can't and won't live that way anymore.

When I'm emotional, I go to the music...and I have a very favorite Elvis Presley song and it is a very sad song...and a beautiful song too...well written, well played, exceptionally well performed by the "Man" at the top of his game. So cry along with Al, kids...or not. But I'm just going through this shit now. Life. No more no less. Kick the shit out of me (figuratively I hope) if you have to, but this is the way it is.




P.S. I have a date this afternoon. Just gotta get back on the horse, ya' know?

So I Mentioned...

...that I missed my wife terribly. And I do. Every day. And my friends here and elsewhere have encouraged me to go to her and see if things can be worked out.

So today I did.

I said I was wrong to do what I did...leave...and I was sorry...I hurt her very, very badly and she is about the worlds sweetest person...and if she could see her was clear to work things out, it would make me very happy.

But AL...what about the hookers and the kink club and screwing the crazy gal from the office (remind me to tell you guys about THAT!)????? SHHHHHHHHHHHHH! PLEASE! I'm having a MOMENT here.

Anyway...she was ready for it...and said she doesn't think she can trust me (or anybody really again) and that's about where we left it. Knowing her I think that's about it. The worst part was where she said that the one thing she counted on was that I wouldn't leave her. That hurt...because I did. I didn't want to but I did.

So although I didn't put a time limit on it really, I'll be very surprised if we reconcile and for that I am profoundly sad. And I would not have been able to move on without having tried. Now I REALLY don't know what's going to happen next.

One thing I DO know...I am going to Bikram Yoga with my oldest daughter. Right now. More later.

Toodles.

A Cry On The Fly

So the Heart of Al goes out to all my blogging buddies who for one reason or other are stuck in realationships that that don't fit them anymore. Some are contemplating breakup, some already have.

I left my wife of five years, whom I still love and damn, if I wish I didn't. Damn, if I wish I could have stayed. Damn, if I don't miss her every-fucking-day regardless of how crass and capricious and cavalier I may seem to be.

Damn, I wish I could hate her...or at least be indifferent. Maybe that would make it easier.

Damn, if we will ever get together again.

Damn.