...et-cetera.
I can't say I'll be regular...but I'm here now.
Lot's more adventures!
Wheeeeee!!!
Showing posts with label Will I Ever Learn?. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Will I Ever Learn?. Show all posts
Monday, August 15, 2011
Monday, February 11, 2008
The Five Stages...
...starts with getting "cold cocked" and ends with getting even.
Let's see if I remember correctly...I think it goes like this:
1) Cold Cocked-
Finding out...usually out of left field...that you've been terminated, replaced, let go...latered. The key characteristic of this step must be that in no way do you see it coming.
2) Discovery-
THIS is where you find out what perfidy is involved...how stupid you were to not see signs, if there were any...what "great" and/or "dear" friend of yours threw you under the bus to save their own fucking sorry ass...what people who you thought "liked" you somewhat were willing to see you treated like a neighborhood sex-offender or something...WHAT-everrrrrr. N.B.-If you know that somewhere, somehow you screwed up and the "head-lopping" was in any way, by any stretch justifiable...you're on a different program.
3) Disbelief-
That this could happen to a person like YOU! One who was devoted to the project, worked hard at it, promoted it, improved it, etc. This stage is also called DELUSION.
4) Rage-
Really banal...this one is. Anger, grief, denial are all contained here...bargaining too. All that crap that is completely useless and humiliating.
5) Revenge-
NOW we're getting somewhere. FUCK Karma, btw...if the injury was great enough, only revenge will make it better. Somehow, someway they need to feel as fucked over as you do.
What enrages and disappoints and hurts me the most about this deal is that a member...the one who delivered the "news"...is supposedly a great friend of mine. The headsman and my "friend" work together (similar positions at the same company) and talk all the time. He KNEW... Think maybe I could have gotten a "heads-up" at some point? Some kind of warning? From SOME-body? Of course not (See Stages #1 and 2). The other guy was too much of a chickenshit to tell me that there were things I was doing that he didn't like (Stage #2). What crap. At the worst (for me), I would have stepped aside. I know these things work and that Mr. Chickenshit was the "Grand Poo-Bah". I just would have appreciated the opportunity to change or decide to leave, is all. Maybe even a sit-down and here's why you're no longer needed kind of thing. Instead...I got treated like the asshole you can't wait to get rid of (see Stages #3 and 4...humiliating yourself). THAT hurts.
So the "Judas" was over to do some artistic workout last night. He actually had the nerve to say that he hoped this would not effect our friendship the night he delivered the coup de gras. I had called him that night to say that I hoped he wasn't made too uncomfortable about the situation. That's what kind of sap I can be. I'm learning.
Anyway, the atmosphere was sort of uncomfortable. Strained. Nothing was said about the weeks' happenings. He is just a clueless dumb fuck if he thought I wasn't seething all the time he was there. In my home. He's lucky I didn't kick his teeth in.
Stage #5...Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
Let's see if I remember correctly...I think it goes like this:
1) Cold Cocked-
Finding out...usually out of left field...that you've been terminated, replaced, let go...latered. The key characteristic of this step must be that in no way do you see it coming.
2) Discovery-
THIS is where you find out what perfidy is involved...how stupid you were to not see signs, if there were any...what "great" and/or "dear" friend of yours threw you under the bus to save their own fucking sorry ass...what people who you thought "liked" you somewhat were willing to see you treated like a neighborhood sex-offender or something...WHAT-everrrrrr. N.B.-If you know that somewhere, somehow you screwed up and the "head-lopping" was in any way, by any stretch justifiable...you're on a different program.
3) Disbelief-
That this could happen to a person like YOU! One who was devoted to the project, worked hard at it, promoted it, improved it, etc. This stage is also called DELUSION.
4) Rage-
Really banal...this one is. Anger, grief, denial are all contained here...bargaining too. All that crap that is completely useless and humiliating.
5) Revenge-
NOW we're getting somewhere. FUCK Karma, btw...if the injury was great enough, only revenge will make it better. Somehow, someway they need to feel as fucked over as you do.
What enrages and disappoints and hurts me the most about this deal is that a member...the one who delivered the "news"...is supposedly a great friend of mine. The headsman and my "friend" work together (similar positions at the same company) and talk all the time. He KNEW... Think maybe I could have gotten a "heads-up" at some point? Some kind of warning? From SOME-body? Of course not (See Stages #1 and 2). The other guy was too much of a chickenshit to tell me that there were things I was doing that he didn't like (Stage #2). What crap. At the worst (for me), I would have stepped aside. I know these things work and that Mr. Chickenshit was the "Grand Poo-Bah". I just would have appreciated the opportunity to change or decide to leave, is all. Maybe even a sit-down and here's why you're no longer needed kind of thing. Instead...I got treated like the asshole you can't wait to get rid of (see Stages #3 and 4...humiliating yourself). THAT hurts.
So the "Judas" was over to do some artistic workout last night. He actually had the nerve to say that he hoped this would not effect our friendship the night he delivered the coup de gras. I had called him that night to say that I hoped he wasn't made too uncomfortable about the situation. That's what kind of sap I can be. I'm learning.
Anyway, the atmosphere was sort of uncomfortable. Strained. Nothing was said about the weeks' happenings. He is just a clueless dumb fuck if he thought I wasn't seething all the time he was there. In my home. He's lucky I didn't kick his teeth in.
Stage #5...Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Focus, Al...Focus...
...something I am notoriously bad at. Fucking 57 years old and I continue to behave like I did when I was 19...or 15. What the bloody hell.
So this year, the arbitrary unit of measure for things done and not done, the word is focus. Focus on the big three...Art, Work, Sex. The order is subject to change, but that's the agenda. Simple straight forward goal or objective oriented action in each category.
Part of the reason I was down so much at the beginning of the year. I had some very unpleasant realizations about my direction and/or lack thereof and the consequences. There are challenges galore before me. And though my stated vision seems narrow...anyone who reads between the lines knows that there is a whole bunch of changin' and growin' and alignin' and manifestin' to be done. Can the adventure be undertaken with joyful energy...wonder at the unfolding of each day and it's opportunities? Hmmmmmm....
Tell you what dear readers...I wish for you the best and most positive outcome for your endeavors. A light heart and an unflagging Spirit. May our Higher Power bless us all.
So this year, the arbitrary unit of measure for things done and not done, the word is focus. Focus on the big three...Art, Work, Sex. The order is subject to change, but that's the agenda. Simple straight forward goal or objective oriented action in each category.
Part of the reason I was down so much at the beginning of the year. I had some very unpleasant realizations about my direction and/or lack thereof and the consequences. There are challenges galore before me. And though my stated vision seems narrow...anyone who reads between the lines knows that there is a whole bunch of changin' and growin' and alignin' and manifestin' to be done. Can the adventure be undertaken with joyful energy...wonder at the unfolding of each day and it's opportunities? Hmmmmmm....
Tell you what dear readers...I wish for you the best and most positive outcome for your endeavors. A light heart and an unflagging Spirit. May our Higher Power bless us all.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
The $250 Haircut...More If You Include The Wine.
So now I have something in common with a certain former Presidential Candidate (actually this reference is to a mean spirited canard the man was subjected to), and as always...something in common with a certain past President. I'll explain...
I had $$$'s burning a hole in my pocket and my perv light was glowing hot and red. Why I didn't just hook up with my ATF "Jaymee" or even "Jenny" I don't know. Well actually I do. One of the benefits to me of the "hobby" (a euphemism for consorting with hookers as a well...hobby) is that there are so many items on the "menu". Beautiful women I see at the Meet and Greets, gals that advertise on the Escort review boards in my town...even on the ever-dangerous and notorious Craigslist "Erotic Services" (Hey...I got this nifty utility for Firefox that will automatically open Craigslist pictures...handy!).
Not that I'm NOT getting laid. My FWB is most generous and enthusiastic. I wish I were "into" her more. I'm sorry I'm not, and I'm not leading her on or anything (yeah right). Yes, there are times of discomfort for both of us...but the sex is pretty darn good. I do feel that I may be exhibiting some signs of the sex addiction.
Yeah...like THAT would be something new for me. You NAME the obsessive compulsive behavior (as long as it's time-wasting to self-destructive, natch...) and I've done it or am prone to it.
So FWB went back to her town and I had an itch for a Craigslist gal. Now I am a PICKY (you're rolling your eyes...STOP that!) Pooner. Not just ANY ol' Craigslist gal is good enough for your connoisseur correspondent...oh no. It had to be THAT girl that was REALLY hard to reach (maybe she was LE and busy booking her latest captures...who knows). So not getting what I really (thought I) wanted, I further succumbed to the urge and went on a board and after a few tries hooked up with a well reviewed young lady and got out to the incall.
She also cuts hair and I needed a trim. Starting to see how this feeble mind works? Gads.
I have had two not so great experiences out of the half-dozen or so different women I've seen. The first was mostly a hygeine problem with a little bit of lack-of-chemistry thrown in. Frankly...she needed to have taken a shower before hosting. No delicate way to say it...smelled like ass. Major turn off for providers I'm told, and a major turn-off to this client.
This young (mid/late twenty's) person was clean, a little hyper, a decent barber (I'm bald so I'm easy), enhanced (with a nipple piercing, nice!) and eager...but I could feel no wave to catch. Even with my "Vitamin C". I've had my challenges in that department before and my Uncles Pfizer and Lilly have pretty much solved that problem for me. Better living through chemistry, eh? Oh, but CHEMISTRY...like the boy/girl kind...has still got to be there...at least for me. Or at least the illusion. And "Toni" was no illusionist. She had been a hard-core party girl a few years earlier...I saw pictures and heard stories and would be a blast for the free-fucking cocksman I always envied...like I can be, sort of, now...but not that night with that girl that time. So I re-robed and left.
Thus...the $250.00 haircut...with a side of rue. Oh...and the Past President? I can't stop when my cock starts talking to me either.
I had $$$'s burning a hole in my pocket and my perv light was glowing hot and red. Why I didn't just hook up with my ATF "Jaymee" or even "Jenny" I don't know. Well actually I do. One of the benefits to me of the "hobby" (a euphemism for consorting with hookers as a well...hobby) is that there are so many items on the "menu". Beautiful women I see at the Meet and Greets, gals that advertise on the Escort review boards in my town...even on the ever-dangerous and notorious Craigslist "Erotic Services" (Hey...I got this nifty utility for Firefox that will automatically open Craigslist pictures...handy!).
Not that I'm NOT getting laid. My FWB is most generous and enthusiastic. I wish I were "into" her more. I'm sorry I'm not, and I'm not leading her on or anything (yeah right). Yes, there are times of discomfort for both of us...but the sex is pretty darn good. I do feel that I may be exhibiting some signs of the sex addiction.
Off Topic Joke:
Heard about the 12 Step Program for folks addicted to 12 Step Programs?
It's called On-an-On. (Yuk, Yuk)
Yeah...like THAT would be something new for me. You NAME the obsessive compulsive behavior (as long as it's time-wasting to self-destructive, natch...) and I've done it or am prone to it.
So FWB went back to her town and I had an itch for a Craigslist gal. Now I am a PICKY (you're rolling your eyes...STOP that!) Pooner. Not just ANY ol' Craigslist gal is good enough for your connoisseur correspondent...oh no. It had to be THAT girl that was REALLY hard to reach (maybe she was LE and busy booking her latest captures...who knows). So not getting what I really (thought I) wanted, I further succumbed to the urge and went on a board and after a few tries hooked up with a well reviewed young lady and got out to the incall.
She also cuts hair and I needed a trim. Starting to see how this feeble mind works? Gads.
I have had two not so great experiences out of the half-dozen or so different women I've seen. The first was mostly a hygeine problem with a little bit of lack-of-chemistry thrown in. Frankly...she needed to have taken a shower before hosting. No delicate way to say it...smelled like ass. Major turn off for providers I'm told, and a major turn-off to this client.
This young (mid/late twenty's) person was clean, a little hyper, a decent barber (I'm bald so I'm easy), enhanced (with a nipple piercing, nice!) and eager...but I could feel no wave to catch. Even with my "Vitamin C". I've had my challenges in that department before and my Uncles Pfizer and Lilly have pretty much solved that problem for me. Better living through chemistry, eh? Oh, but CHEMISTRY...like the boy/girl kind...has still got to be there...at least for me. Or at least the illusion. And "Toni" was no illusionist. She had been a hard-core party girl a few years earlier...I saw pictures and heard stories and would be a blast for the free-fucking cocksman I always envied...like I can be, sort of, now...but not that night with that girl that time. So I re-robed and left.
Thus...the $250.00 haircut...with a side of rue. Oh...and the Past President? I can't stop when my cock starts talking to me either.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Damn It's...
...been a long time since I posted. There's a lot of folks that are posting slow these days. Maybe it's the summer, lots of things for us all to do, and let's face it...life is just busy. Really busy.
So yeah...I've been really busy. I was going over my schedule for one week, one week with a friend and he remarked that I seemed to be making myself insanely busy so that I didn't have to think aabout the pain I was going through.
True that, as they say.
I'm gonna have to cut some stuff loose and throttle back. There IS such a thing as too busy. Besides, I'm getting really tired. A lot of fatigue is from the upset and stress. S4O and I have exchanged pretty much "final" notes to each other and this chapter is over. Whether we reconcile sometime in the future...well never say never, right? Still I've been sad and pretty insane for the last month or so.
Breaking up really sucks.
So yeah...I've been really busy. I was going over my schedule for one week, one week with a friend and he remarked that I seemed to be making myself insanely busy so that I didn't have to think aabout the pain I was going through.
True that, as they say.
I'm gonna have to cut some stuff loose and throttle back. There IS such a thing as too busy. Besides, I'm getting really tired. A lot of fatigue is from the upset and stress. S4O and I have exchanged pretty much "final" notes to each other and this chapter is over. Whether we reconcile sometime in the future...well never say never, right? Still I've been sad and pretty insane for the last month or so.
Breaking up really sucks.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Choices...
...this song kicks my ass. This is from George Jones' incredible 1999 album "Cold Hard Truth". Clean and sober (for a while at least) his first album for Asylum Records was a real gem. Almost every track was emotionally evocative and showed off his legendary vocal range and way with a song, most notably this one, "Choices" and the title song "Cold Hard Truth".
I'm thinking about my "choices" lately. And consequences thereof. A guy at a meeting I used to go to always said "Look back, but don't stare." I'm staring a little bit just now. Some events in my life lately resemble the bad car wreck on the freeway that you have to slow way up to pass and can't help but look at...can't turn away.
When I think how much of it is about my choices, the little ones, the ones I hardly notice and don't think will matter...then the ones I KNOW...the ones I know I'm bullshitting myself about...the ones I know I shouldn't do and I do anyway...well, like the man says..."I've had choices..."
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I'm thinking about my "choices" lately. And consequences thereof. A guy at a meeting I used to go to always said "Look back, but don't stare." I'm staring a little bit just now. Some events in my life lately resemble the bad car wreck on the freeway that you have to slow way up to pass and can't help but look at...can't turn away.
When I think how much of it is about my choices, the little ones, the ones I hardly notice and don't think will matter...then the ones I KNOW...the ones I know I'm bullshitting myself about...the ones I know I shouldn't do and I do anyway...well, like the man says..."I've had choices..."
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
You Can Have Me Anytime...
..one of my favorite Boz Scaggs songs.
On his GREAT album "Middle Man" the guitar solo was played by Carlos Santana. A VERRRY Carlos solo that still (30 years later) rips my heart apart in 24 measures.
Boz is very big in Japan and this was recorded there (isn't YouTube GREAT? I mean REALLY!). This guitar guy does fine. A great song is a great song is a great song.
So I saw an "escort" again Sunday night. Late. Too late. After running really, really hard all day. It was...well I was "a dud". We had a good time anyway. She was described by another "hobbyist" as a nut. And so she is. A GILF (you'd be surprised at how many there are), a fixture in the community, really fun to be with. But I wanted to fuck...needed to fuck...and it just wasn't going to happen. Of course when I woke up Monday morning everything was at attention. Wonderful. I'm working on the dating sites; AFF, maybe Chemistry.com and a local alternative paper. Nobody's beating the door down for a horny old old guy. One with mad skillz but they don't know that. Oh well...my job to ed-ja-ma-cate 'em, huh?
On his GREAT album "Middle Man" the guitar solo was played by Carlos Santana. A VERRRY Carlos solo that still (30 years later) rips my heart apart in 24 measures.
Boz is very big in Japan and this was recorded there (isn't YouTube GREAT? I mean REALLY!). This guitar guy does fine. A great song is a great song is a great song.
So I saw an "escort" again Sunday night. Late. Too late. After running really, really hard all day. It was...well I was "a dud". We had a good time anyway. She was described by another "hobbyist" as a nut. And so she is. A GILF (you'd be surprised at how many there are), a fixture in the community, really fun to be with. But I wanted to fuck...needed to fuck...and it just wasn't going to happen. Of course when I woke up Monday morning everything was at attention. Wonderful. I'm working on the dating sites; AFF, maybe Chemistry.com and a local alternative paper. Nobody's beating the door down for a horny old old guy. One with mad skillz but they don't know that. Oh well...my job to ed-ja-ma-cate 'em, huh?
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