So “fire play”...I had heard of it but I sure hadn’t SEEN anything like it. I probably ought to back track a little here…
I have always...really as long as I can remember…had yearnings and longings that were different. Not “gay” or even “bi” (though I can say I’m kinda curious now) but different little things would excite me and when I found out about “self restraint” I tried it…not the kind I NEEDED…the kind I did to myself. Anyway…I ended up in a D/s situation a couple times....not full on but we’d play...a lot. I joined the “Sex Positive Social Club” as soon as I found out about it…that was 6-7 years ago. It’s taken me that long to kind of “grow into” what and who I am and what I am comfortable with. There’s lots of stuff I’d like to try, and things that I’m not interested in…maybe just not now(!?).
Aaaaanyway…this guy I had seen before drags a big table out into the “play” area. There is sort of a perimeter of “social” areas with the public “play” area in the middle. At least that’s how it was configured that night. The room can be set up many different ways. So the big table. Big enough for a person, and sure enough…a gal sat down on the table, removed her “wrap” and laid face down. After some prep the guy lit these things that looked a lot like vibraphone mallets…sticks with cloth or some kind of fibre ends. Now I’m guessing he was using alcohol of some kind and he was sort of “skipping” these burning mallet things on the gals skin. Playing lightly then working into more intensity staying long enough in one spot to create a sensation but not so long as to cause a burn. It LOOKED a lot like someone playing vibes. Certainly a spectacle.
I have seen lots of different things there and I’ve participated just a little. Thought about the men only night...hmmmm...what does a cock taste like?????...but so far I only play with girls. I just get lost in the experience. The “Secret Garden”...LOL...
Monday, November 5, 2007
I Wrote Somebody About...
...what I did on Halloween. I didn't tell them that while I was watching the "show" I was on a couch in front of the "demonstration" fingering the sweet pussy of my "date". I would give her sensitive bits a little "tap" now and then...and grab her hair and press my mouth on hers...then take her in my arms and tenderly brush her lips with my fingers, BOTH sets. She had a lovely little naughty nurses' outfit. With her being open and viewable and definitely getting excited we were probably a pretty good complement to the main event, which I tried to describe:
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Have Love? Will...
...travel.
I commented over at Joe Flirt's place about paying a "pro" for sex. There are "Escort Blogs" and "John Blogs" and some of the folks in my blog roll are escorts and johns or sex workers of some type. The comments in Joe's post though, were from folks who didn't have any kind of experience on either end. I may get flamed for my comment on Joe's blog and the preceding remark, but let's go ahead and talk about it for a minute, and have at me if you want.
I have a number of reasons why I want to see a paid sex worker:
1) Variety. I can see a lot of different women. Folks would not really believe the disparity of looks and body types and personalities. The women rarely look like Julia Roberts or Audrey Hepburn. They're more likely to look like your neighbor Susan...who wants to lose 20lbs., or your Aunt Helen who looks like, well...an aunt helen. Sure there are 20-something hardbody's as well. Like I said, diverse.
2) I can have sex when I want/need to have it. I stated that I am coming off a broken marriage. I have never been a great "womanizer", and I won't lie to someone to get them in bed and "break up" with them a week later...or just not call...or any of the "fifty" other ways we leave our lovers. Besides most "sane" women won't go near a recently split-up guy for at least a year. Can't say I blame 'em.
3) Improbable sexual experiences. Example: I had a three-some. THAT would probably never happen. One woman was a for real porn star. THAT would definitely never happen. Both were drop-dead gorgeous. Again...under normal circumstances...snow-ball's chance in hell. OK...indulgent and decadent to an extreme, and kinda expensive...and unbelievably fun. It blew me away!!! So sue me.
There's more that I want to blog about on the subject, and I will, but I have met and had experiences with some really interesting people. Most of the women, and especially the ones I am drawn to are really, really bright, some are very accomplished, many are working professionals whose or un or under-employment led them to this occupation and almost every one I've seen cares and enjoys what they do. I think I can tell THAT...(the faking thing, maybe not so much).
Having said all that...OK, OK...there IS a real layer of artificiality as well. I am NOT going to find a girlfriend...it's not an audition. Rarely does a gal find a guyfriend from her client list. It does happen with famously mixed results, mostly bad. But no matter what happens, how good the time is, how good the sex is, how well "connected" we get...I go home alone. No wondering whether I should call the next day...no sweet churning in the gut when I'm looking at the phone.
It's just sex. For hire.
Update...
I'm going to pre-emptively strike something here and toss out the "gender equity as it applies to pay for women" card. It's disgusting that smart, effective, talented women rarely earn as much as their male counterparts...or have the same employment opportunities. I'm just sayin'.
I commented over at Joe Flirt's place about paying a "pro" for sex. There are "Escort Blogs" and "John Blogs" and some of the folks in my blog roll are escorts and johns or sex workers of some type. The comments in Joe's post though, were from folks who didn't have any kind of experience on either end. I may get flamed for my comment on Joe's blog and the preceding remark, but let's go ahead and talk about it for a minute, and have at me if you want.
I have a number of reasons why I want to see a paid sex worker:
1) Variety. I can see a lot of different women. Folks would not really believe the disparity of looks and body types and personalities. The women rarely look like Julia Roberts or Audrey Hepburn. They're more likely to look like your neighbor Susan...who wants to lose 20lbs., or your Aunt Helen who looks like, well...an aunt helen. Sure there are 20-something hardbody's as well. Like I said, diverse.
2) I can have sex when I want/need to have it. I stated that I am coming off a broken marriage. I have never been a great "womanizer", and I won't lie to someone to get them in bed and "break up" with them a week later...or just not call...or any of the "fifty" other ways we leave our lovers. Besides most "sane" women won't go near a recently split-up guy for at least a year. Can't say I blame 'em.
3) Improbable sexual experiences. Example: I had a three-some. THAT would probably never happen. One woman was a for real porn star. THAT would definitely never happen. Both were drop-dead gorgeous. Again...under normal circumstances...snow-ball's chance in hell. OK...indulgent and decadent to an extreme, and kinda expensive...and unbelievably fun. It blew me away!!! So sue me.
There's more that I want to blog about on the subject, and I will, but I have met and had experiences with some really interesting people. Most of the women, and especially the ones I am drawn to are really, really bright, some are very accomplished, many are working professionals whose or un or under-employment led them to this occupation and almost every one I've seen cares and enjoys what they do. I think I can tell THAT...(the faking thing, maybe not so much).
Having said all that...OK, OK...there IS a real layer of artificiality as well. I am NOT going to find a girlfriend...it's not an audition. Rarely does a gal find a guyfriend from her client list. It does happen with famously mixed results, mostly bad. But no matter what happens, how good the time is, how good the sex is, how well "connected" we get...I go home alone. No wondering whether I should call the next day...no sweet churning in the gut when I'm looking at the phone.
It's just sex. For hire.
Update...
I'm going to pre-emptively strike something here and toss out the "gender equity as it applies to pay for women" card. It's disgusting that smart, effective, talented women rarely earn as much as their male counterparts...or have the same employment opportunities. I'm just sayin'.
Damn It's...
...been a long time since I posted. There's a lot of folks that are posting slow these days. Maybe it's the summer, lots of things for us all to do, and let's face it...life is just busy. Really busy.
So yeah...I've been really busy. I was going over my schedule for one week, one week with a friend and he remarked that I seemed to be making myself insanely busy so that I didn't have to think aabout the pain I was going through.
True that, as they say.
I'm gonna have to cut some stuff loose and throttle back. There IS such a thing as too busy. Besides, I'm getting really tired. A lot of fatigue is from the upset and stress. S4O and I have exchanged pretty much "final" notes to each other and this chapter is over. Whether we reconcile sometime in the future...well never say never, right? Still I've been sad and pretty insane for the last month or so.
Breaking up really sucks.
So yeah...I've been really busy. I was going over my schedule for one week, one week with a friend and he remarked that I seemed to be making myself insanely busy so that I didn't have to think aabout the pain I was going through.
True that, as they say.
I'm gonna have to cut some stuff loose and throttle back. There IS such a thing as too busy. Besides, I'm getting really tired. A lot of fatigue is from the upset and stress. S4O and I have exchanged pretty much "final" notes to each other and this chapter is over. Whether we reconcile sometime in the future...well never say never, right? Still I've been sad and pretty insane for the last month or so.
Breaking up really sucks.
Monday, August 13, 2007
I Love My Kids!
My kids are older...out of High School, the youngest is, the oldest made me a Grandfather a few years ago.
The three of them and I went to dinner tonight...the first time in a long time just the four us had hung out together and I've got to say I just love them so much. We went through a lot with their Mom and her going waaaay sideways on us and me ending up raising the two younger ones myself and the older one getting kicked out and being sent to live with her real dad who never helped with her AT ALL...
...and we all made it OK. Really, really well actually. And once more they are here for me as I go through another breakup. They literally saved my life last time. This time it's not so rough...but still...they give me strength and inspire me like they've always done.
What a gift they are to me. I am a lucky, lucky man.
The three of them and I went to dinner tonight...the first time in a long time just the four us had hung out together and I've got to say I just love them so much. We went through a lot with their Mom and her going waaaay sideways on us and me ending up raising the two younger ones myself and the older one getting kicked out and being sent to live with her real dad who never helped with her AT ALL...
...and we all made it OK. Really, really well actually. And once more they are here for me as I go through another breakup. They literally saved my life last time. This time it's not so rough...but still...they give me strength and inspire me like they've always done.
What a gift they are to me. I am a lucky, lucky man.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Choices...
...this song kicks my ass. This is from George Jones' incredible 1999 album "Cold Hard Truth". Clean and sober (for a while at least) his first album for Asylum Records was a real gem. Almost every track was emotionally evocative and showed off his legendary vocal range and way with a song, most notably this one, "Choices" and the title song "Cold Hard Truth".
I'm thinking about my "choices" lately. And consequences thereof. A guy at a meeting I used to go to always said "Look back, but don't stare." I'm staring a little bit just now. Some events in my life lately resemble the bad car wreck on the freeway that you have to slow way up to pass and can't help but look at...can't turn away.
When I think how much of it is about my choices, the little ones, the ones I hardly notice and don't think will matter...then the ones I KNOW...the ones I know I'm bullshitting myself about...the ones I know I shouldn't do and I do anyway...well, like the man says..."I've had choices..."
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I'm thinking about my "choices" lately. And consequences thereof. A guy at a meeting I used to go to always said "Look back, but don't stare." I'm staring a little bit just now. Some events in my life lately resemble the bad car wreck on the freeway that you have to slow way up to pass and can't help but look at...can't turn away.
When I think how much of it is about my choices, the little ones, the ones I hardly notice and don't think will matter...then the ones I KNOW...the ones I know I'm bullshitting myself about...the ones I know I shouldn't do and I do anyway...well, like the man says..."I've had choices..."
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Here's Another SHOCKER About Al...
...hat tip to Trueself!
The Top likes to call the shots—sexually, at least. In real life, they may not show any signs of wanting or needing to be in control, but to achieve erotic fulfillment, The Top needs not only to give orders but also to see them carried out. Their sexual pleasure is of the psychosexual variety, which means that they intellectualize sex more than most of the other erotic types. They are often partial to leather and the accoutrements of bondage, and they frequently reward those people they can bend to their will. They may even like to deliver a bit of physical pain, but only if they know the recipient will enjoy that pain.
I loooove turning nice girls kinky! I love doing fun, nasty things with and to my partners. I have a vivid imagination and a pretty good toy box.
Anybody wanna play????
I took Sage Vivant's Erotic Personality Quiz and discovered I'm a Top!
The Top likes to call the shots—sexually, at least. In real life, they may not show any signs of wanting or needing to be in control, but to achieve erotic fulfillment, The Top needs not only to give orders but also to see them carried out. Their sexual pleasure is of the psychosexual variety, which means that they intellectualize sex more than most of the other erotic types. They are often partial to leather and the accoutrements of bondage, and they frequently reward those people they can bend to their will. They may even like to deliver a bit of physical pain, but only if they know the recipient will enjoy that pain.
I loooove turning nice girls kinky! I love doing fun, nasty things with and to my partners. I have a vivid imagination and a pretty good toy box.
Anybody wanna play????
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
You Can Have Me Anytime...
..one of my favorite Boz Scaggs songs.
On his GREAT album "Middle Man" the guitar solo was played by Carlos Santana. A VERRRY Carlos solo that still (30 years later) rips my heart apart in 24 measures.
Boz is very big in Japan and this was recorded there (isn't YouTube GREAT? I mean REALLY!). This guitar guy does fine. A great song is a great song is a great song.
So I saw an "escort" again Sunday night. Late. Too late. After running really, really hard all day. It was...well I was "a dud". We had a good time anyway. She was described by another "hobbyist" as a nut. And so she is. A GILF (you'd be surprised at how many there are), a fixture in the community, really fun to be with. But I wanted to fuck...needed to fuck...and it just wasn't going to happen. Of course when I woke up Monday morning everything was at attention. Wonderful. I'm working on the dating sites; AFF, maybe Chemistry.com and a local alternative paper. Nobody's beating the door down for a horny old old guy. One with mad skillz but they don't know that. Oh well...my job to ed-ja-ma-cate 'em, huh?
On his GREAT album "Middle Man" the guitar solo was played by Carlos Santana. A VERRRY Carlos solo that still (30 years later) rips my heart apart in 24 measures.
Boz is very big in Japan and this was recorded there (isn't YouTube GREAT? I mean REALLY!). This guitar guy does fine. A great song is a great song is a great song.
So I saw an "escort" again Sunday night. Late. Too late. After running really, really hard all day. It was...well I was "a dud". We had a good time anyway. She was described by another "hobbyist" as a nut. And so she is. A GILF (you'd be surprised at how many there are), a fixture in the community, really fun to be with. But I wanted to fuck...needed to fuck...and it just wasn't going to happen. Of course when I woke up Monday morning everything was at attention. Wonderful. I'm working on the dating sites; AFF, maybe Chemistry.com and a local alternative paper. Nobody's beating the door down for a horny old old guy. One with mad skillz but they don't know that. Oh well...my job to ed-ja-ma-cate 'em, huh?
Saturday, August 4, 2007
YIKES!!!!
Violent??? I wouldn't call my style...violent...so much as...
...intense, maybe.
I can and do go for a looong time (finally a benefit of "age")...and I do love to get into "impact" play and "alternative activities", but only on a completely consensual (and I DO mean sensual) basis. I work with a pretty big sensory palette...and yes "intensity" IS one of the colors.
One partner recently looked up and into my eyes and said, "You're a hedonist, aren't you!" Now we had been at it for a while at that point and as I cradled her gaze in mine and settled sweet and full into her I gently kissed and stroked her lips with mine I asked, "Is that OK with you?"...
...and buried myself deeper into her sweetness. She settled back with the lovliest smile...
PLEASE NOTE: I score quite well in the other categories, too! Well rounded, versatile, considerate and completely dedicated to mutual satisfaction. Any takers??? Hmmmmm...?
(Hat tip to Trueself for the Quiz, and for being a pal!)
...intense, maybe.
I can and do go for a looong time (finally a benefit of "age")...and I do love to get into "impact" play and "alternative activities", but only on a completely consensual (and I DO mean sensual) basis. I work with a pretty big sensory palette...and yes "intensity" IS one of the colors.
One partner recently looked up and into my eyes and said, "You're a hedonist, aren't you!" Now we had been at it for a while at that point and as I cradled her gaze in mine and settled sweet and full into her I gently kissed and stroked her lips with mine I asked, "Is that OK with you?"...
...and buried myself deeper into her sweetness. She settled back with the lovliest smile...
| You scored as Violent, You are violent. To you there is nothing better than a good spank. You like scratching and biting 'cause that's what people are for.
What is your sexual style? created with QuizFarm.com |
PLEASE NOTE: I score quite well in the other categories, too! Well rounded, versatile, considerate and completely dedicated to mutual satisfaction. Any takers??? Hmmmmm...?
(Hat tip to Trueself for the Quiz, and for being a pal!)
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
I Looove Bad Girls...
...BIG SHOCK, huh?
Like most nice guys...I love bad girls (especially THIS one...mmmmmm). But bad girls like bad boys and I just never been that bad. Oh well.
Hazel posted a clip from Amy Winehouse and what's cool is that I heard THIS (see below) song on the radio as I was driving around and Hazel graciously (and Hazel IS gracious...I enjoy her and her "Ways of Brit") posted an Amy song and reminded me that I should too!
Enjoy!
P.S. My date went great...deserves it's own post. Some funny history. Really nice "vanilla" (I guess...I couldn't really tell from what we talked about) gal. It would be soooo fun to turn another one kinky. Mm-mm-mm-mm-mmmmmm.
Like most nice guys...I love bad girls (especially THIS one...mmmmmm). But bad girls like bad boys and I just never been that bad. Oh well.
Hazel posted a clip from Amy Winehouse and what's cool is that I heard THIS (see below) song on the radio as I was driving around and Hazel graciously (and Hazel IS gracious...I enjoy her and her "Ways of Brit") posted an Amy song and reminded me that I should too!
Enjoy!
P.S. My date went great...deserves it's own post. Some funny history. Really nice "vanilla" (I guess...I couldn't really tell from what we talked about) gal. It would be soooo fun to turn another one kinky. Mm-mm-mm-mm-mmmmmm.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Enough To Be On Your Way...
...So sue me for posting twice in one day.
I'm in quite a "state" today. Quite emotional. I think I'm "releasing" the emotions and stuff and things and crap I've been cramming in to my body all these years. No wonder my corporal self and I have a crappy relationship. Seriously. My body and I have NOT always been friends. When I treat it like a toxic waste dump (figuratively AND literally) I'd say no wonder.
I would have to say the it's just in the last couple years I've gone from "truce" to "detente" to "peaceful co-existence" with my own physical self. The yoga practice is inviting a reconciliation. My mantra while practicing is "I trust you" "I love you" "We are one". So now I am getting the emotions back...the ones I've "stored" (read stuffed). 'Bout time I think.
The next step is to learn to dance.
Now...more music.
This could be my favorite James Taylor song. It is from his superb 1997 album "Hourglass" (followed in 2002 by the inexplicably dumb "October Road"). I read an interview where he said the song was actually about a brother of his who died. He changed the gender of the subject (I guess to make it "lay" better lyrically...or to "anony-mize" it a little), and a couple of the details, but by and large it is a terrific meditation on life. The kind of thing that Taylor does really well when he does it well.
So here it is with a great Mark O'Connor fiddle intro and some YoYo Ma cello in there too.
Enjoy!
I'm in quite a "state" today. Quite emotional. I think I'm "releasing" the emotions and stuff and things and crap I've been cramming in to my body all these years. No wonder my corporal self and I have a crappy relationship. Seriously. My body and I have NOT always been friends. When I treat it like a toxic waste dump (figuratively AND literally) I'd say no wonder.
I would have to say the it's just in the last couple years I've gone from "truce" to "detente" to "peaceful co-existence" with my own physical self. The yoga practice is inviting a reconciliation. My mantra while practicing is "I trust you" "I love you" "We are one". So now I am getting the emotions back...the ones I've "stored" (read stuffed). 'Bout time I think.
The next step is to learn to dance.
Now...more music.
This could be my favorite James Taylor song. It is from his superb 1997 album "Hourglass" (followed in 2002 by the inexplicably dumb "October Road"). I read an interview where he said the song was actually about a brother of his who died. He changed the gender of the subject (I guess to make it "lay" better lyrically...or to "anony-mize" it a little), and a couple of the details, but by and large it is a terrific meditation on life. The kind of thing that Taylor does really well when he does it well.
So here it is with a great Mark O'Connor fiddle intro and some YoYo Ma cello in there too.
Enjoy!
It's Not That I Don't...
...have anything to say, I just haven't been able to say it.
I don't think I'm going to get to get back with S4O. I don't know that I can. You see, I lied. I cheated on her with "Jenny", I knew I was going to do it, and I did it. I got hooked on "escort boards" and swore I was only a voyeur. Nahhh...I was plotting. I got caught being on some other kinky dating boards and although I didn't get anywhere with them, I probably would have if I could have. And I came up with the lamest of lame lies (are there any other kind?) to wiggle out of the scrutiny I was under.
There was quite a spirited discussion of "moral code" on some other blogs a while ago. Well my moral code got pretty A-moral pretty fast.
Liar and Cheat. That would be how S4O would see it if and or when she finds/found out. She don't roll that way...she doesn't cop to a lot of moral ambiguity, or any really...although she manifests plenty (but I judge no man) and I really didn't see myself that way either (morally ambiguous or even amoral) until I got a real look...and I had to get out on my own to do it.
I was asked by a commenter what happened to the marriage, and I didn't really answer, but if anyone is interested I'll answer now.
Sure a lot of it was about the kids, and the lack of privacy when S4O and I were fucking. And her son always (ALWAYS!) disliked and resented me for taking his mother away from him. Also as we settled in to our relationship...which started online and was conducted mostly long distance (the courtship part) and then resulted with her and two of her four kids moving to another State to be with me and to live with me and my two kids (THAT part actually worked out)...we grew well together and then stuff started coming up.
Caution...CAUTION...online lovers. There really IS more to the person when it turns into 24/7.
So yeah, some things were tough. And I could deal with the presence of someone who obviously detested me (her youngest son) less and less. And the general aimlessness and lack of organization and discipline and the sleep problems and the drama/trauma that followed those guys (and her ) around got to me. Call me weak, intolerant, or whatever you want but I didn't want to live that way anymore and the good stuff we had, the wonderful sex life and pretty good companionship (and even THAT was getting undermined by the Kid...she couldn't/wouldn't go places with me anymore 'cause she had to cater to his little whims. I finally stopped asking.) got overwhelmed by the powerful feelings that I DID NOT HAVE A PLACE IN THAT HOME ANYMORE. That I was pushed out...any space I had was overrun by the kid and that/their energy and I had no place to rest, relax, recharge, recenter, and love and live...whatever.
And the shit started coming out sideways. I would have cheated...with a real person, not "just" a hooker. I know I would have. I was getting sicker and sicker and believe me folks I know how to do sick, and sick behavior. FUCK! I had to leave. I was afraid that I was killing my spirit.
So the bright light of realization is raining on me. I am starting to see what and who I am right now...what I became and how it squares with who and what I think I am and who and what I think (and say) I want to be.
And I miss S4O. Every day. And I don't miss living there at that house with all of them and I don't miss a lot about living with her and maybe that will change and maybe it won't and maybe we'll get back together (stranger things HAVE happened, I hear) and maybe we won't and maybe she'll tell the little shit that he has to work things out with ME (Al) "Mano a' Mano" because she married ME (Al), married me for a reason...and I (Al) will be around (hopefully) after the kid is gone. "So Son, you're just going to have to deal with it." But she didn't. She put herself in between the two of us and it froze me out.
I'm sad right now...better than I was before I started writing (as usual...and thanks, guys), but sad none the less. I'm going to go through the feelings...I wasn't feeling ANYTHING for a while and stuffing it all into my body (like usual) and I can't and won't live that way anymore.
When I'm emotional, I go to the music...and I have a very favorite Elvis Presley song and it is a very sad song...and a beautiful song too...well written, well played, exceptionally well performed by the "Man" at the top of his game. So cry along with Al, kids...or not. But I'm just going through this shit now. Life. No more no less. Kick the shit out of me (figuratively I hope) if you have to, but this is the way it is.
P.S. I have a date this afternoon. Just gotta get back on the horse, ya' know?
I don't think I'm going to get to get back with S4O. I don't know that I can. You see, I lied. I cheated on her with "Jenny", I knew I was going to do it, and I did it. I got hooked on "escort boards" and swore I was only a voyeur. Nahhh...I was plotting. I got caught being on some other kinky dating boards and although I didn't get anywhere with them, I probably would have if I could have. And I came up with the lamest of lame lies (are there any other kind?) to wiggle out of the scrutiny I was under.
There was quite a spirited discussion of "moral code" on some other blogs a while ago. Well my moral code got pretty A-moral pretty fast.
Liar and Cheat. That would be how S4O would see it if and or when she finds/found out. She don't roll that way...she doesn't cop to a lot of moral ambiguity, or any really...although she manifests plenty (but I judge no man) and I really didn't see myself that way either (morally ambiguous or even amoral) until I got a real look...and I had to get out on my own to do it.
I was asked by a commenter what happened to the marriage, and I didn't really answer, but if anyone is interested I'll answer now.
Sure a lot of it was about the kids, and the lack of privacy when S4O and I were fucking. And her son always (ALWAYS!) disliked and resented me for taking his mother away from him. Also as we settled in to our relationship...which started online and was conducted mostly long distance (the courtship part) and then resulted with her and two of her four kids moving to another State to be with me and to live with me and my two kids (THAT part actually worked out)...we grew well together and then stuff started coming up.
Caution...CAUTION...online lovers. There really IS more to the person when it turns into 24/7.
So yeah, some things were tough. And I could deal with the presence of someone who obviously detested me (her youngest son) less and less. And the general aimlessness and lack of organization and discipline and the sleep problems and the drama/trauma that followed those guys (and her ) around got to me. Call me weak, intolerant, or whatever you want but I didn't want to live that way anymore and the good stuff we had, the wonderful sex life and pretty good companionship (and even THAT was getting undermined by the Kid...she couldn't/wouldn't go places with me anymore 'cause she had to cater to his little whims. I finally stopped asking.) got overwhelmed by the powerful feelings that I DID NOT HAVE A PLACE IN THAT HOME ANYMORE. That I was pushed out...any space I had was overrun by the kid and that/their energy and I had no place to rest, relax, recharge, recenter, and love and live...whatever.
And the shit started coming out sideways. I would have cheated...with a real person, not "just" a hooker. I know I would have. I was getting sicker and sicker and believe me folks I know how to do sick, and sick behavior. FUCK! I had to leave. I was afraid that I was killing my spirit.
So the bright light of realization is raining on me. I am starting to see what and who I am right now...what I became and how it squares with who and what I think I am and who and what I think (and say) I want to be.
And I miss S4O. Every day. And I don't miss living there at that house with all of them and I don't miss a lot about living with her and maybe that will change and maybe it won't and maybe we'll get back together (stranger things HAVE happened, I hear) and maybe we won't and maybe she'll tell the little shit that he has to work things out with ME (Al) "Mano a' Mano" because she married ME (Al), married me for a reason...and I (Al) will be around (hopefully) after the kid is gone. "So Son, you're just going to have to deal with it." But she didn't. She put herself in between the two of us and it froze me out.
I'm sad right now...better than I was before I started writing (as usual...and thanks, guys), but sad none the less. I'm going to go through the feelings...I wasn't feeling ANYTHING for a while and stuffing it all into my body (like usual) and I can't and won't live that way anymore.
When I'm emotional, I go to the music...and I have a very favorite Elvis Presley song and it is a very sad song...and a beautiful song too...well written, well played, exceptionally well performed by the "Man" at the top of his game. So cry along with Al, kids...or not. But I'm just going through this shit now. Life. No more no less. Kick the shit out of me (figuratively I hope) if you have to, but this is the way it is.
P.S. I have a date this afternoon. Just gotta get back on the horse, ya' know?
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Monday, July 9, 2007
So I Mentioned...
...that I missed my wife terribly. And I do. Every day. And my friends here and elsewhere have encouraged me to go to her and see if things can be worked out.
So today I did.
I said I was wrong to do what I did...leave...and I was sorry...I hurt her very, very badly and she is about the worlds sweetest person...and if she could see her was clear to work things out, it would make me very happy.
Anyway...she was ready for it...and said she doesn't think she can trust me (or anybody really again) and that's about where we left it. Knowing her I think that's about it. The worst part was where she said that the one thing she counted on was that I wouldn't leave her. That hurt...because I did. I didn't want to but I did.
So although I didn't put a time limit on it really, I'll be very surprised if we reconcile and for that I am profoundly sad. And I would not have been able to move on without having tried. Now I REALLY don't know what's going to happen next.
One thing I DO know...I am going to Bikram Yoga with my oldest daughter. Right now. More later.
Toodles.
So today I did.
I said I was wrong to do what I did...leave...and I was sorry...I hurt her very, very badly and she is about the worlds sweetest person...and if she could see her was clear to work things out, it would make me very happy.
But AL...what about the hookers and the kink club and screwing the crazy gal from the office (remind me to tell you guys about THAT!)????? SHHHHHHHHHHHHH! PLEASE! I'm having a MOMENT here.
Anyway...she was ready for it...and said she doesn't think she can trust me (or anybody really again) and that's about where we left it. Knowing her I think that's about it. The worst part was where she said that the one thing she counted on was that I wouldn't leave her. That hurt...because I did. I didn't want to but I did.
So although I didn't put a time limit on it really, I'll be very surprised if we reconcile and for that I am profoundly sad. And I would not have been able to move on without having tried. Now I REALLY don't know what's going to happen next.
One thing I DO know...I am going to Bikram Yoga with my oldest daughter. Right now. More later.
Toodles.
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Today's Funny...
..."A Priest, a Rabbi, and an Irishman walk into a pub... The bartender looks up & says, "What is this, some kinda joke?"
Nyuk, nyuk.
Nyuk, nyuk.
Won't Back Down...
Time to get back on the horse and ride, folks.
Like Tom says: I won't back down!
Back me up to the gates of Hell...
...but I won't back down.
P.S. LOOK at that GUITAR Mike Campbell is playing...it's an "upside down" Gibson Firebird!!!!! VERRRRRY rare. Ultra-cool. Wow.
Like Tom says: I won't back down!
Back me up to the gates of Hell...
...but I won't back down.
P.S. LOOK at that GUITAR Mike Campbell is playing...it's an "upside down" Gibson Firebird!!!!! VERRRRRY rare. Ultra-cool. Wow.
Friday, June 29, 2007
A Cry On The Fly
So the Heart of Al goes out to all my blogging buddies who for one reason or other are stuck in realationships that that don't fit them anymore. Some are contemplating breakup, some already have.
I left my wife of five years, whom I still love and damn, if I wish I didn't. Damn, if I wish I could have stayed. Damn, if I don't miss her every-fucking-day regardless of how crass and capricious and cavalier I may seem to be.
Damn, I wish I could hate her...or at least be indifferent. Maybe that would make it easier.
Damn, if we will ever get together again.
Damn.
I left my wife of five years, whom I still love and damn, if I wish I didn't. Damn, if I wish I could have stayed. Damn, if I don't miss her every-fucking-day regardless of how crass and capricious and cavalier I may seem to be.
Damn, I wish I could hate her...or at least be indifferent. Maybe that would make it easier.
Damn, if we will ever get together again.
Damn.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
OK Girls, Line Up Over Here Please...
...shit, I wish!!
My friend, secrets has this on her blog...which you guys ought to read BTW, and I was curious:
What Color Rose Am I?
Just a little commercial for a single guy (shoot, it's my blog, why NOT?!)...
I AM...thoughtful, brave, loyal, kind, maybe not so thrifty but nobody's perfect...I'm decent looking, employed, relatively ambitious, and I do know my way around a p@ssy and a conversation. So if you are a Pacific Northwest kind of girl or if you want a "hook-up" when you visit up here drop a line! Al_Laddin@clearwire.net
Thank you.
My friend, secrets has this on her blog...which you guys ought to read BTW, and I was curious:
What Color Rose Am I?
| You Are a Blue Rose |
 You represent the unattainable and fantasies Your vibe: larger than life and intoxicating Falling in love with you is: like seeing a whole new world |
Just a little commercial for a single guy (shoot, it's my blog, why NOT?!)...
I AM...thoughtful, brave, loyal, kind, maybe not so thrifty but nobody's perfect...I'm decent looking, employed, relatively ambitious, and I do know my way around a p@ssy and a conversation. So if you are a Pacific Northwest kind of girl or if you want a "hook-up" when you visit up here drop a line! Al_Laddin@clearwire.net
Thank you.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Me?...Pure?...C'mon...
...hat tip to Joe Flirt and TrueSelf...
I'm just a HAPPY little Devil!
Happy...happy...happy!!!!
| You Are 16% Pure |
 You've been a very bad girl or boy... And you probably enjoyed every minute of it. |
Happy...happy...happy!!!!
Monday, June 25, 2007
I Got Tagged...
...by Wandering Hubby (Thanks, WH! You are one of my fave reads.) with the "Music Meme"!
Which is:
1. Go to the Billboard #1 Hits listings (scroll down and you’ll see them separated by decades on the left in the sidebar)
2. Pick the year you turned 18
3. Get yourself nostalgic over the songs of the year
4. Pick 5 songs and write something about how these songs affected you
5. Pass it on to 5 more friends
So this is really, really, reeee-ally late...and it's here. Thanks BJ, and my heart goes out to you.
Wow...OK. I was a "counter-culture" type in those days...I have not changed much. Oh yeah. And I was really not listening to a lot of "Top 40" by then...but...
Oh CRAP!!!!! I just read the @#$%ing list! HOW AM I GOING TO PICK FIVE?????
Here are the top 75 sellers for 1969:
And HERE are the actual #1 Songs Week by Week in 1969:
The one that sticks out for me right away is the "Love Theme From Romeo and Juliet". I was (and still am) such a romantic little sap. I had fallen for this cute gal in our crowd (the "Be-In Crowd"? lol) and she had dumped me. For a stupid "molecular biology" student at the local University! What the Fuck!?!?!? Broke poor little Al's heart. It would NOT be the last time.
How about "Heard it Through the Grapevine" for #2? Marvin Gaye was beginning to cross-over and dominate the Top 40 Radio the way he (and the rest of the Motown Stable) OWNED the Soul Charts. He would release landmark album "What's Goin On" in 1971. THAT album would do much to change the face of music as we know it, ushering in the era of the personal statement albums by singer-songwriters. There still may be no better example of a generously talented artist creating an intensely personal and searingly political masterwork than this.
"In The Year 2525"...what was it PT Barnum said about underestimating the intelligence of the American public? What a piece of crap song. I hope those guys did OK with the royalty checks. Not that I thought they started out trying to deliberately make a dumb record (see Archie's, The..."Sugar, Sugar), but if they did they succeeded brilliantly. I used to cringe when it came on.
"Suspicious Minds" ELVIS!!!! was back. What a great record for him with "Elvis in Memphis" which had "Burnin' Love", "Don't Cry, Daddy", "The Ghetto" and the great "Kentucky Rain". The TV Show in 1968 had set the stage and Elvis was back. It was the beginning of the end.
The Beatles had three Number One's and "Get Back" was the most significant even though it was purely a McCartney song. It was a real raw rock song with minimal production after all the brilliant gorgeous and ground breaking studio albums. Sir Paul was still concerned with Lennon's opinion and after John died the "editor" was gone and his writing quality pretty much went in the crapper.
Nightside Jonny - This guy is worth the time. Nice writing on my favorite subjects.
Desperate Husband - A great guy in a tough spot. Hmmm...if I tag him will he write more?
Dive Bar Dancer - She Dances, She Writes (well!!)...I'm in LOVE!!!
Underachieving Mommy - I keep dragging Nanette over here and she keeps being nice to me.
I'd tag Oblivion (my secret sweetie...DON'T TELL HER!!!), but she just started a new job and is probably "roped".
Which is:
1. Go to the Billboard #1 Hits listings (scroll down and you’ll see them separated by decades on the left in the sidebar)
2. Pick the year you turned 18
3. Get yourself nostalgic over the songs of the year
4. Pick 5 songs and write something about how these songs affected you
5. Pass it on to 5 more friends
So this is really, really, reeee-ally late...and it's here. Thanks BJ, and my heart goes out to you.
Wow...OK. I was a "counter-culture" type in those days...I have not changed much. Oh yeah. And I was really not listening to a lot of "Top 40" by then...but...
Oh CRAP!!!!! I just read the @#$%ing list! HOW AM I GOING TO PICK FIVE?????
Here are the top 75 sellers for 1969:
| 1. | Build Me Up Buttercup - Foundations (Billboard High Chart: #3) |
| 2. | Sweet Caroline - Neil Diamond (Billboard High Chart: #4) |
| 3. | Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye - Steam (Billboard High Chart: #1) |
| 4. | More Today Than Yesterday - Spiral Staircase (Billboard High Chart: #12) |
| 5. | Proud Mary - Creedence Clearwater Revival (Billboard High Chart: #2) |
| 6. | Son Of A Preacher Man - Dusty Springfield (Billboard High Chart: #10) |
| 7. | My Way - Frank Sinatra (Billboard High Chart: #27) |
| 8. | Honky Tonk Women - Rolling Stones (Billboard High Chart: #1) |
| 9. | Something - the Beatles (Billboard High Chart: #3) |
| 10. | Sugar Sugar - Archies (Billboard High Chart: #1) |
| 11. | Stand By Your Man - Tammy Wynette (Billboard High Chart: #19) |
| 12. | Touch Me - Doors (Billboard High Chart: #3) |
| 13. | I Can't Get Next To You - Temptations (Billboard High Chart: #1) |
| 14. | Bad Moon Rising - Creedence Clearwater Revival (Billboard High Chart: #2) |
| 15. | Hooked On A Feeling - B.J. Thomas (Billboard High Chart: #5) |
| 16. | It's Your Thing - The Isley Brothers (Billboard High Chart: #2) |
| 17. | Come Together - the Beatles (Billboard High Chart: #1) |
| 18. | Grazing In The Grass - Friends of Distinction (Billboard High Chart: #3) |
| 19. | Traces - Classics IV & Dennis Yost (Billboard High Chart: #2) |
| 20. | Hawaii 5-0 - Ventures (Billboard High Chart: #4) |
| 21. | Everybody's Talkin' - Nilsson (Billboard High Chart: #6) |
| 22. | My Cherie Amour - Stevie Wonder (Billboard High Chart: #4) |
| 23. | Hot Fun In The Summertime - Sly and the Family Stone (Billboard High Chart: #2) |
| 24. | Someday We'll Be Together - Diana Ross and the Supremes (Billboard High Chart: #1) |
| 25. | Down On The Corner - CCR (Billboard High Chart: #3) |
| 26. | Suspicious Minds - Elvis Presley (Billboard High Chart: #1) |
| 27. | Everyday People - Sly & Family Stone (Billboard High Chart: #1) |
| 28. | Crimson and Clover - Tommy James and the Shondells (Billboard High Chart: #1) |
| 29. | Time of the Season - Zombies (Billboard High Chart: #3) |
| 30. | Love's Been Good To Me - Frank Sinatra (Billboard High Chart: #75) |
| 31. | Twenty Five Miles - Edwin Starr (Billboard High Chart: #6) |
| 32. | Worst That Could Happen - Brooklyn Bridge (Billboard High Chart: #3) |
| 33. | Get Back - Beatles (Billboard High Chart: #1) |
| 34. | Ruben James - Kenny Rogers & the First Edition (Billboard High Chart: #26) |
| 35. | A Boy Named Sue - Johnny Cash (Billboard High Chart: #2) |
| 36. | Gimme Gimme Good Lovin - Crazy Elephant (Billboard High Chart: # 12) |
| 37. | You've Made Me So Very Happy - Blood, Sweat and Tears (Billboard High Chart: #2) |
| 38. | Give Peace A Chance - John Lennon (Billboard High Chart: #14) |
| 39. | Isrealites - Desmond Dekker and the Aces (Billboard High Chart: #9) |
| 40. | Wedding Bell Blues - The 5th Dimension (Billboard High Chart: #1) |
| 41. | Alice's Rock and Roll Restuaraunt - Arlo Guthrie (Billboard High Chart: #97) |
| 42. | Stand! - Sly and the Family Stone (Billboard High Chart: #22) |
| 43. | These Eyes - Guess Who (Billboard High Chart: #6) |
| 44. | Green River - Creedence Clearwater Revival (CCR) (Billboard High Chart: #2) |
| 45. | Yester-Me, Yester-You, Yesterday - Stevie Wonder (Billboard High Chart: #7) |
| 46. | Put A Little Love In Your Heart - Jackie DeShannon (Billboard High Chart: #4) |
| 47. | Eli's Coming - Three Dog Night (Billboard High Chart: #10) |
| 48. | Jingo - Santana (Billboard High Chart: #56) |
| 49. | I Can Hear Music - Beach Boys (Billboard High Chart: #24) |
| 50. | Memphis Underground - Herbie Mann (Billboard High Chart: #44) |
| 51. | Lay Lady Lay - Bob Dylan (Billboard High Chart: #7) |
| 52. | Kick Out The Jams - MC5 (Billboard High Chart: #82) |
| 53. | Leaving On A Jet Plane - Peter Paul and Mary (Billboard High Chart: #1) |
| 54. | The Boxer - Simon and Garfunkle (Billboard High Chart: #7) |
| 55. | I've Gotta Be Me - Sammy Davis, Jr (Billboard High Chart:#11) |
| 56. | I Got a Line On You - Spirit (Billboard High Chart: #25) |
| 57. | I'm Gonna Make You Love Me - Suremes and Temptations (Billboard High Chart: #2) |
| 58. | Kozmic Blues - Janis Joplin (Billboard High Chart: #41) |
| 59. | Crystal Blue Persuasion - Tommy James and the Shondells (Billboard High Chart: #1) |
| 60 | Something In The Air - Thunderclap Newman (Billboard High Chart: #37) |
| 61. | In The Ghetto - Elvis Presley (Billboard High Chart: #3) |
| 62. | Suite: Judy Blue Eyes - Crosby, Stillsand Nash (Billboard High Chart: #21) |
| 63. | Aquarius/Let The Sunshine In - the 5th Dimension (Billboard High Chart: #1) |
| 64. | Listen To The Band - the Monkees (Billboard High Chart: #63) |
| 65. | Spinning Wheel - Blood Sweat and Tears (Billboard High Chart: #2) |
| 66. | Chelsea Morning - Judy Collins (Billboard High Chart: #78) |
| 67. | Commotion - CCR (Billboard High Chart: #30) |
| 68. | Yesterday, When I Was Young - Roy Clark (Billboard High Chart: #19) |
| 69. | And When I Die - Blood, Sweat and Tears (Billboard High Chart: #2) |
| 70. | The Pledge of Allegiance - Red Skelton (Billboard High Chart: #44) |
| 71. | Pinball Wizard - The Who (Billboard High Chart: #19) |
| 72. | Am I The Same Girl - Barbara Acklin (Billboard High Chart: #79) |
| 73. | Hot Smoke and Sassafras - The Bubble Pupply (Billboard High Chart: #14) |
| 74. | Marrakesh Express - Crosby, Stills and Nash (Billboard High Chart: #28) |
| 75. | In The Year 2525 - Zager and Evans (Billboard High Chart: #1 ) |
And HERE are the actual #1 Songs Week by Week in 1969:
Hot 100 number-one hits of 1969 (USA)
These are the Billboard magazine Hot 100 number one hits of 1969.
| Issue Date | Song | Artist |
| January 4 | I Heard It through the Grapevine | Marvin Gaye |
| January 11 | I Heard It through the Grapevine | Marvin Gaye |
| January 18 | I Heard It through the Grapevine | Marvin Gaye |
| January 25 | I Heard It through the Grapevine | Marvin Gaye |
| February 1 | Crimson and Clover | Tommy James & the Shondells |
| February 8 | Crimson and Clover | Tommy James & the Shondells |
| February 15 | Everyday People | Sly & the Family Stone |
| February 22 | Everyday People | Sly & the Family Stone |
| March 1 | Everyday People | Sly & the Family Stone |
| March 8 | Everyday People | Sly & the Family Stone |
| March 15 | Dizzy | Tommy Roe |
| March 22 | Dizzy | Tommy Roe |
| March 29 | Dizzy | Tommy Roe |
| April 5 | Dizzy | Tommy Roe |
| April 12 | Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In (The Flesh Failures) | The Fifth Dimension |
| April 19 | Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In (The Flesh Failures) | The Fifth Dimension |
| April 26 | Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In (The Flesh Failures) | The Fifth Dimension |
| May 5 | Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In (The Flesh Failures) | The Fifth Dimension |
| May 12 | Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In (The Flesh Failures) | The Fifth Dimension |
| May 17 | Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In (The Flesh Failures) | The Fifth Dimension |
| May 24 | Get Back | The Beatles with Billy Preston |
| May 31 | Get Back | The Beatles with Billy Preston |
| June 7 | Get Back | The Beatles with Billy Preston |
| June 14 | Get Back | The Beatles with Billy Preston |
| June 21 | Get Back | The Beatles with Billy Preston |
| June 28 | Love Theme From Romeo and Juliet | Henry Mancini |
| July 5 | Love Theme From Romeo and Juliet | Henry Mancini |
| July 12 | In the Year 2525 (Exordium and Terminus) | Zager and Evans |
| July 19 | In the Year 2525 (Exordium and Terminus) | Zager and Evans |
| July 26 | In the Year 2525 (Exordium and Terminus) | Zager and Evans |
| August 2 | In the Year 2525 (Exordium and Terminus) | Zager and Evans |
| August 9 | In the Year 2525 (Exordium and Terminus) | Zager and Evans |
| August 16 | In the Year 2525 (Exordium and Terminus) | Zager and Evans |
| August 23 | Honky Tonk Women | The Rolling Stones |
| August 30 | Honky Tonk Women | The Rolling Stones |
| September 6 | Honky Tonk Women | The Rolling Stones |
| September 13 | Honky Tonk Women | The Rolling Stones |
| September 20 | Sugar, Sugar | The Archies |
| September 27 | Sugar, Sugar | The Archies |
| October 4 | Sugar, Sugar | The Archies |
| October 11 | Sugar, Sugar | The Archies |
| October 18 | I Can't Get Next to You | The Temptations |
| October 25 | I Can't Get Next to You | The Temptations |
| November 1 | Suspicious Minds | Elvis Presley |
| November 8 | Wedding Bell Blues | The Fifth Dimension |
| November 15 | Wedding Bell Blues | The Fifth Dimension |
| November 22 | Wedding Bell Blues | The Fifth Dimension |
| November 29 | Come Together / Something | The Beatles |
| December 6 | Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye | Steam |
| December 13 | Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye | Steam |
| December 20 | Leaving on a Jet Plane | Peter, Paul and Mary |
| December 27 | Someday We'll Be Together | Diana Ross & The Supremes |
OH...KAY.
Here we go...The one that sticks out for me right away is the "Love Theme From Romeo and Juliet". I was (and still am) such a romantic little sap. I had fallen for this cute gal in our crowd (the "Be-In Crowd"? lol) and she had dumped me. For a stupid "molecular biology" student at the local University! What the Fuck!?!?!? Broke poor little Al's heart. It would NOT be the last time.
How about "Heard it Through the Grapevine" for #2? Marvin Gaye was beginning to cross-over and dominate the Top 40 Radio the way he (and the rest of the Motown Stable) OWNED the Soul Charts. He would release landmark album "What's Goin On" in 1971. THAT album would do much to change the face of music as we know it, ushering in the era of the personal statement albums by singer-songwriters. There still may be no better example of a generously talented artist creating an intensely personal and searingly political masterwork than this.
"In The Year 2525"...what was it PT Barnum said about underestimating the intelligence of the American public? What a piece of crap song. I hope those guys did OK with the royalty checks. Not that I thought they started out trying to deliberately make a dumb record (see Archie's, The..."Sugar, Sugar), but if they did they succeeded brilliantly. I used to cringe when it came on.
"Suspicious Minds" ELVIS!!!! was back. What a great record for him with "Elvis in Memphis" which had "Burnin' Love", "Don't Cry, Daddy", "The Ghetto" and the great "Kentucky Rain". The TV Show in 1968 had set the stage and Elvis was back. It was the beginning of the end.
The Beatles had three Number One's and "Get Back" was the most significant even though it was purely a McCartney song. It was a real raw rock song with minimal production after all the brilliant gorgeous and ground breaking studio albums. Sir Paul was still concerned with Lennon's opinion and after John died the "editor" was gone and his writing quality pretty much went in the crapper.
So there ya' go, I would get my first job as a bar musician in 1970 and spent almost all the next 15 years playing and singing all over for your listening and dancing pleasure (I was ALWAYS there all week and NEVER forgot to remind you to tip your bartender and your lovely cocktail waitress...who I earnestly wanted to fuck and could never go home with). What a great life that was!
OK...TAG, you're it to:
Joe Flirt - A man figuring it out...with attitude!Nightside Jonny - This guy is worth the time. Nice writing on my favorite subjects.
Desperate Husband - A great guy in a tough spot. Hmmm...if I tag him will he write more?
Dive Bar Dancer - She Dances, She Writes (well!!)...I'm in LOVE!!!
Underachieving Mommy - I keep dragging Nanette over here and she keeps being nice to me.
I'd tag Oblivion (my secret sweetie...DON'T TELL HER!!!), but she just started a new job and is probably "roped".
Now back to our regularly scheduled programming...thanks BJ for yanking me out of the gutter for a while.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
What A Fool Believes...
...or "Hooked on a Feeling"
6/18/2007
Dearest Jay-mee,
So I know this guy, see…he’s a good guy. Regular, got problems like everybody, but a good soul. And he met this girl. This a-MAZ-ing girl, he says. He says that he’s “seen” her a couple times. I know what he means. He’s an adventurer, this guy…he says he’s on this “journey of discovery”. He wants to discover himself. He may not seem like it to look at him or to be around him, but he was really inhibited and repressed with sex all his life. He and I talk…about everything, really. Lot’s of reasons, he’ll tell you…like the time when he was at confession (he calls himself a “recovering catholic” I’m sure you know lots of those) and being a good little Catholic boy of about…oh…seven, eight maybe…he took the whole thing very seriously, the Church, the Eucharist, the Sacraments, altar boy, the whole nine yards…so he told this priest, this old parish guy, seen and heard it all…twice probably…and an alky most likely, sick of the whiners and adulterers and thieves and liars and self-righteous prigs…maybe banging an altar boy or a nun (or both) on the side…so this sweet little kid, my friend, he reaches down, screws up his courage…’cause he want to be honest, and he tells this old parish guy, “I-I-I touched myself.”
DEAD SILENCE from the other side of the screen. They had these screens in those days. And you could hear the murmur from the other side where another poor soul was spilling just enough of what they thought would save ‘em from the hot place (the priest was in the middle between two doors with this sliding wood thing behind a screen so you couldn’t really see who the priest was and when it was your turn, that old wood would scrape and the air would change and you’d start: “Bless me Father for I have sinned, my last confession was (and you say how long it had been since you asked God to make you clean again…so He and His Son could save you…’cause if you weren’t clean FIRST…you couldn’t be saved). And the old wood smelled like sweat and scared breath and folks afraid of what God would do to them for just being FOLKS…ferchrissakes.
So dead silence…and the old guy was counting the beads of sweat popping from the little fella’s brow…the old guy knew…he could hear ‘em. Then he said, in his low voice, heavy with practiced gravitas…”I’m trying to figure out whether this is a mortal sin or not.” Then he went quiet. And he waited for the words to sink in…MOR-TAL SIN. The sin (for Catholics) that would send you straight to hell. STRAIGHT. TO. HELL. For ALL eternity. Of course the poor kid, my friend, was scared shitless. And of course this old asshole priest knew just exactly what he was doing to this poor kid and another brick in the wall of the Legacy of the Catholic Guilt was laid. Now my friend, he loves to tell this story. And he doesn’t attribute all his sexual fucked-up-ness to the incident…but it was a lot of stuff like that and what he learned about sex from his Mom…who is a WHOLE ‘nother story…and him being a little passive, not so assertive with the girls, when he was younger, and then his whole “cock problem” thing like he calls it, where he used to feel like he didn’t have one, ‘cause maybe he needed a little more chemistry with a girl or something…but even if he REALLY liked or even loved her he had a (not so) hard time. But he says vitamin “V” pretty much fixed that. He actually says “Uncle Pfizer gave him his cock back.” Fucking Big Pharma’s good for something after all.
Anyway...This girl..He says he never laughed during sex before. He never had a great time getting his cock worked on like she did to him. He says he was laughing so much that she was wondering what was going on. He said he wanted to talk more but he was having, and he said this; “So goddamn much fun.” That he didn’t talk like he usually does…he likes to talk, he says…and he was so happy with playing with her tits (he says they are amazing and I believe him, I mean, he’s seen ‘em, I haven’t) and he just went on and on and on about her pussy and how responsive she was and how he hoped she wasn’t getting bored with all the fun HE was having and that he didn’t even get to get to the kink he wanted to try (‘cause he says he gets pretty creative) and that maybe they could get to that sometime. And I started to get a little concerned and well, I said…”Wait a minute there, Cowboy…you can’t be getting’ SPRUNG on this gal. She’s…uhhhh…well, ummm…she may LIKE you, but not in THAT way, capiche?” My friend, he gets pensive…”Yeah,” he says “I know. From where we started, and for how we “met” and what we “do”…that’s just not something that ends up happening, or even being a good idea.” “But stuff like that happens, doesn’t it?” “Oh yeah. Guys get the signals confused all the time. It’s easy, really. It’s easy to misunderstand or “forget” what’s going on. Happens a lot. Sometimes…rarely…it works out. Once in a Blue Moon, they say. Mostly, though…not a good idea.” “Does she know you like her?” “I HOPE so. I mean she said to call and email whenever…I think she’s sweet to say that, and I think I know that she knows that she likes me pretty well, and I’m glad. I really like how we get along and what we do. But the other…you know, I’m like 20 plus years her senior…she’s got lots of “friends” and a busy life. She sounds pretty happy about who she is and what she does.” “Oh so you think maybe she’s thinkin’ that you’re thinking that you and her…?” “Yeah, maybe that…” my buddy says “Man…I hope not. Not like I wouldn’t, and not like we don’t get along, but…no. I wouldn’t want her to think I think that. I mean she IS really amazing, man, she’s like my sexual muse. I have never, EVER been like that…and I have been having so much fun that I haven’t even gotten to MY kinks…” “OK, OK…we’ve been there already…” I interrupted…”we’re pals and all…BUT…” “Yeah, OK…” He says, “but man, I think about her and I just start laughing…she says she wants my dick to get hard when I think about her and me...did I tell you that? Well guess what?” And this biiiig grin lit up his face. Now I have never seen him grin like that, and I’ve known him a long time. He’s just been through a real bunch of shit lately and it’s great to see him so happy.
“So what now, man? You aren’t really…” I can’t help it. This has got disaster for this poor sucker written all over it if he gets all...well if he doesn’t “understand” or “get” the situation. “Well, I just really like her. Not as a “girlfriend”, ‘cause I know that is not gonna happen. Probably SHOULDN’T happen even if it could. I mean, for myself…I don’t want a primary exclusive relationship with anyone, anyway. I just don’t think I’m built that way anymore. I can probably do poly. I want to try it. Maybe I can find a bunch of like minded and like-hearted folks…I kinda don’t know where to start, but the CPSC may be a good place. I want to participate in the “lifestyle” in a more “out” way, I think. I’m easing into it. Besides…I’M very busy, I’m so happily single I can’t stand it sometimes, and I want to drink in whatever comes my way.” So this journey of his, it looks good on him. He does really like this girl…and he really doesn’t want to “insert” (her word, not his) himself where it’s not appropriate or wanted. Oh..and he says he would like to be kind of a “regular”. I knew what he meant. I’ve wanted to do that myself. I hope it works out. One thing about my friend, he’s very sensitive about keeping stuff where it ought to be. But he’s decided that he doesn’t want to miss out on anything, either. No regrets for not doing something he wanted to do…but didn’t.
Wow…long story, huh? Sorry about that, I get a little carried away. This guy, he’s a good guy. He says this gal is “aces”, too. He said a couple times how besides how much he liked her, he respected her for what she does…ALL the stuff…and her commitment and ambition. He’s a big fan of people, this guy is. He’s in it to have fun (he seems to be REALLY having fun), keep good boundaries and communication, and respect the “parameters” of the “relationship”. I don’t know WTF he was trying to say, but I guess he said it, didn’t he.
I'm So Lame...
...I think I can't read you guys stuff unless I post something.
An ego maniac with an inferiority complex.
That's me.
It's only been nine days.
An ego maniac with an inferiority complex.
That's me.
It's only been nine days.
Friday, June 8, 2007
Dear Diary...
...sorry for the dearth of posting. I've been busy, exhausted, lazy, (writers) blocked, activity averse, seemingly all at the same time.
How-Everrrrrrrrr....
I have also...changed offices, done good business, started a major new project and been fucked to within an inch of my life!!!! You bet I'm gonna write about THAT (session two will be coming/cumming up next week)!!!!!
So Al's got lotsa grist for the mill now...just gotta let it all out!
Later y'all.
How-Everrrrrrrrr....
I have also...changed offices, done good business, started a major new project and been fucked to within an inch of my life!!!! You bet I'm gonna write about THAT (session two will be coming/cumming up next week)!!!!!
So Al's got lotsa grist for the mill now...just gotta let it all out!
Later y'all.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
In For A Penny...
...in for a pound.
Or in my case...ALL in.
I am tired...and sad and apprehensive (I'm changing offices...nothing like shaking EVERYTHING up) and I'm trying to work out the rest of the "Jenny" story. Thanks for your patience.
And I miss S4O. Very much. I wonder if I should go to her and at least put it out there that I miss her terribly and could she consider getting back together somehow. I don't know. Unlike a lot of blogs I read...we, she and I, got along great. Better than great, actually. I don't know.
Later guys. I'm too tired to ponder the big questions right now. They'll keep until tomorrow I'm sure.
Or in my case...ALL in.
I am tired...and sad and apprehensive (I'm changing offices...nothing like shaking EVERYTHING up) and I'm trying to work out the rest of the "Jenny" story. Thanks for your patience.
And I miss S4O. Very much. I wonder if I should go to her and at least put it out there that I miss her terribly and could she consider getting back together somehow. I don't know. Unlike a lot of blogs I read...we, she and I, got along great. Better than great, actually. I don't know.
Later guys. I'm too tired to ponder the big questions right now. They'll keep until tomorrow I'm sure.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Jenny - A Dangerous Liason...
...a friend of mine confessed to me a long time ago that he hired girls to fuck. He had some stories too, about when he was really drunk and coked up and getting tied up at knife point...erotic or felonious...who knows. I haven't brought that up since.
So a while ago the same guy and I were talking about financial stuff and he mentioned that he had a big credit card bill to work off. I asked what it was from. He doesn't drink or drug anymore, hasn't for some time. he likes to travel, and I thought maybe that was it, but he said no, it was because that year he had spent $10,000 (actually probably more) on escorts.
I was floored. I had been reading the escort review boards by that time and I quickly calculated that he really was going to town with the gals and I said so, expecting him to get a little sheepish and say what a great time he had.
Well beside the fact that he's not the light hearted, easy going type he was somewhat rueful about the whole thing. When I asked who his regular was he told me (I knew who she was) and he said she was a "nut" and I couldn't tell if that was a pejorative or not. Then I said I'd like to "consort" sometime (I had not done so yet) and he said, rather emphatically, don't do it. He didn't amplify on the comment and I didn't press the issue. As time passed I would ask and he would tell me whether he had or not (he was working on NOT "using a girl") and we would discuss the matter with as little judgement as possible. Still his comment struck me.
So this week I had a date with the redoubtable Jenny. She is well known, well reviewed and REALLY good at what she does by all accounts including now, mine.
Now I have all this messy, crappy, exhilarating and depressing stuff going on in my personal life and when I moved out of my house, away from my (soon to be I guess ex-) wife, into my own apartment I was filled with rebellious energy so I booked Jenny, asking her to be my celebratory playperson. She agreed and as the date was more than a month out, life went on.
In the meantime, I popped the cherry on my apartment with the aforementioned "girl who was a nice lay" (my, my, my...such crass talk) and I hired my "companion" after the brutal week, so the bloom had faded a little and I thought about calling the appointment off, but really guys...do YOU think 'Ol Al would really DO something like that? Well???
Those of you who muttered "No fucking way" are right. No way was I missing a date with a loverly girl who was going to happily take her clothes off for me and energetically turn me out. No Effing Way.
So the day of the date arrived and even though I wanted to have an easy day and relax before the "date", I was running around and busy just about up to the minute of Jenny's arrival. I had booked a multi-hour appointment. My first experience with her had been anxiety ridden for a number of reasons...really I was scared shitless...and although it was not a disaster, I didn't have the greatest time. Not her fault. She worked hard to get my motor started but to not much avail.
So the date was to consist of dinner (nice local steakhouse "On me and on the clock" I had explained), and some relaxed play.
I wish I could say it went well. If it only went well it would not be the problem I can see it becoming.
So a while ago the same guy and I were talking about financial stuff and he mentioned that he had a big credit card bill to work off. I asked what it was from. He doesn't drink or drug anymore, hasn't for some time. he likes to travel, and I thought maybe that was it, but he said no, it was because that year he had spent $10,000 (actually probably more) on escorts.
I was floored. I had been reading the escort review boards by that time and I quickly calculated that he really was going to town with the gals and I said so, expecting him to get a little sheepish and say what a great time he had.
Well beside the fact that he's not the light hearted, easy going type he was somewhat rueful about the whole thing. When I asked who his regular was he told me (I knew who she was) and he said she was a "nut" and I couldn't tell if that was a pejorative or not. Then I said I'd like to "consort" sometime (I had not done so yet) and he said, rather emphatically, don't do it. He didn't amplify on the comment and I didn't press the issue. As time passed I would ask and he would tell me whether he had or not (he was working on NOT "using a girl") and we would discuss the matter with as little judgement as possible. Still his comment struck me.
So this week I had a date with the redoubtable Jenny. She is well known, well reviewed and REALLY good at what she does by all accounts including now, mine.
Now I have all this messy, crappy, exhilarating and depressing stuff going on in my personal life and when I moved out of my house, away from my (soon to be I guess ex-) wife, into my own apartment I was filled with rebellious energy so I booked Jenny, asking her to be my celebratory playperson. She agreed and as the date was more than a month out, life went on.
In the meantime, I popped the cherry on my apartment with the aforementioned "girl who was a nice lay" (my, my, my...such crass talk) and I hired my "companion" after the brutal week, so the bloom had faded a little and I thought about calling the appointment off, but really guys...do YOU think 'Ol Al would really DO something like that? Well???
Those of you who muttered "No fucking way" are right. No way was I missing a date with a loverly girl who was going to happily take her clothes off for me and energetically turn me out. No Effing Way.
So the day of the date arrived and even though I wanted to have an easy day and relax before the "date", I was running around and busy just about up to the minute of Jenny's arrival. I had booked a multi-hour appointment. My first experience with her had been anxiety ridden for a number of reasons...really I was scared shitless...and although it was not a disaster, I didn't have the greatest time. Not her fault. She worked hard to get my motor started but to not much avail.
So the date was to consist of dinner (nice local steakhouse "On me and on the clock" I had explained), and some relaxed play.
I wish I could say it went well. If it only went well it would not be the problem I can see it becoming.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Happy HNT!!!!
So here he is...Al Laddin with his FIRST HNT!!!
35 pounds lighter, Ol' Al is sporting his rock-star "Lucky" Brand jeans (there's an outlet store nearby).
LOOK OUT!! HE'S AFTER SOME GILFs!!!!!
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Monday, May 21, 2007
How You Know It's Over...
...is when you get together for a "talk". I asked how she was doing earlier in the day and she said "Not good. " I miss her terribly, and I won't move back into the house with the kids. It's a tough spot. I suggested we get together.
I wish I could say it all went great after that. OK, I'll say it. And I'll be a big fat lying bastard for doing it.
Nope it went shitty. It sucked. It's over.
I got there and she was nursing a Baily's/ ice. Bad sign. She ONLY drinks when she's beyond upset. I got to hear about work and this and that and I was just about ready to bolt...leave my food that I was picking at (after I said "I miss you terribly").
Then she got this fakey conspiratorial look and said "So tell me everything that went wrong"...like I really fucking would. Like I would tell her all the little stuff that would bug me once or twice (well maybe three) times a month...until I caught a glimpse of her looking precious when she couldn't see me. Like even the bigger stuff that I could blow off because even that was just too small to fuck with when I held her or kissed her or reached around and spread her cheeks and tickled her pussy and her bottom when we were laying face to face...starting to fuck.
Geez. So I talked about...her kid. How as much as I tried...I was always the "alien" the jerk who was fucking his mother. Then we spent some time with her reactions to some of my uhhh...diversions. "Here's Al Laddin from Anytown, Bob, he's 56 years old, a healthy male and something you may not know about him is he's into porn and kink..."
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Sheee-it.
Yes...I hurt My Girl, and she hurt me too. We had a couple knock down drag outs about the viewing and I was accused of being really stupid for marrying the woman I loved instead of the girls I SOMETIMES liked to look at, although she had no problem with the extra-curricular activities shall we say "one on one". So I got to be appropriately chastened and whatever.
I broached the subject of "live apart/ stay together", she said no dice so that's that.
I guess it all hit me today...again...I'd had some reactions lately, but I got a good great dose of "Awwww Fuck" today. Sorry about the "too much information" but I'm sort of beyond caring about sensibility right now and if you're offended....I'll put it in a fourth step and make amends later. Right now...I want to eat five bags of cheap jelly beans...I want to stay up 'till four looking at porn sites, I want a forget it fuck, I want to do anything but blow my sobriety....I'm just gonna go to sleep.
And I loaded up the stereo and my cd's and brought 'em over today.
Monday, May 14, 2007
Yeah...I Need To Write...
Man it has been a ride since April 5th, and then April 14th when Al got his little pad, and then to now. I feel like I need to get this out and move on...move out into my new world and be who I'm becoming. The beautiful (I am CHEWING on my knuckles as I look at this...I mean LOOK. AT. THIS.) Oblivion posted some bullet points, and right now I think that's a good idea too.
So I made a french press (it's 12:30 AM here-I must be insayne)...and took my shower...and I'm gonna write a while (thank you secrets, for getting me off my butt), then get a little freak on so I can cum so I can go to sleep. Typical guy, huh. So here goes...from the upper left of the US, in a sort of furniture-less apt., for a while at least...
So in the last month and a half I have...
So other than that...it's been a little lonely and a little boring.
Not (well, a little sometimes, and I miss S4O).
Stories to tell, stories to tell. Man...it's good to be alive!
P.S. I'm hooking up with Jenny...and maybe a friend. Hmmmmmmm.
So I made a french press (it's 12:30 AM here-I must be insayne)...and took my shower...and I'm gonna write a while (thank you secrets, for getting me off my butt), then get a little freak on so I can cum so I can go to sleep. Typical guy, huh. So here goes...from the upper left of the US, in a sort of furniture-less apt., for a while at least...
So in the last month and a half I have...
- Left my wife of five years with whom I was very much in love.
- Moved into a nifty one bedroom (built in '56 with real wood...still varnished!) apartment.
- Felt REALLY bad about feeling REALLY good...that I left. That I got out of somewhere I felt was dangerous to my spirit.
- Visited my therapist from my first divorce eleven years ago. He thinks my reasoning is faulty, I think. Fuck Him.
- Got an amazing Tarot Card reading. Wow. I love the cards and I think they tell me things I need to hear. I needed to hear this. Wow (more later).
- Saw a Pro-Domme. Yep...that's right. Kinda-sorta vanilla (for that), she was testing me to see where I was at, and I didn't get close to my limit. I'm going back. With a plan (ouch!).
- Had a brutal work week with four artist jobss in three days to top it all off. Got to pay for my fun, though. The two in one day were 200 miles apart, and I...
- ...hired a "companion" for after that last one. Unfortunately, I was "too pooped to pop" ( I always wondered what that meant...now I know). She did say something cute...she was holding my cock and said "You can do some damage with that...some happy damage." I blushed.
- Went to karaoke for the first time in YEARS...it was a local "providers'" meet and greet. THAT was a trip!
- Fucked a girl at the nifty new bachelor pad...after a nice dinner and a great night of heavy flirting. Yummmmm. She IS lovely and a good lay. She was shown a fine time. At least it looked that way to me. More to THAT story too.
- Then...a Carnival...a carnal Carnival of Kink. I got played with with the electric toys. I got my nipples (temporarily) pierced. I got high on the pain.
So other than that...it's been a little lonely and a little boring.
Not (well, a little sometimes, and I miss S4O).
Stories to tell, stories to tell. Man...it's good to be alive!
P.S. I'm hooking up with Jenny...and maybe a friend. Hmmmmmmm.
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